Hee hee hee

Last night I went to Caligbi to see DeAnne Smith perform. She is hillarious! I had tears of laughter streaming down my face before she had even finished the sound check. There were also a number of lesbians and other queers there. An unofficial queer event, what a pleasant surprise. I will be checking out more of her shows to see if the clientele is similarily attractive to me :)

DeAnne Smith
http://www.deannesmith.com/

Rachel *** (working the unofficial angle)

Messy Meals

For the last few years I have hosted a Messy Meal on the Friday before Christmas. This messy meal, all the dishes contain ingredients that stain, is probably the last one without turkey for most of my friends until well after Christmas. I really enjoy hosting and love sending out the silly invites that remind everyone to wear black or nothing at all :). It is also a fabulous excuse to use my black table cloth and napkins.

Last night, I invited two lesbian couples and a close male friend to feast on: crantinis, salad (can be messing depending), octopus ink spaghetti, Hearty Beet and Monkfish Stew (my own creation, see recipe below), lamb with veg and potatoes (not really messy but my favorite), raspberry meringue tart, and espresso with chocolate truffles. Oh, and copious amounts of red wine and grappa.

Hearty Beet and Monkfish stew:
(serves 6)
2 large white onions
2 large beets
2 cups cranberry juice
6 fillets monkfish

Quarter onions, roughly chop up beets (can be messy, wear black :) and fish into bite size bits.
Place ingredients in a baking dish pour in juice and cover. Heat at 350 'C for 30 minutes or until beets are soft.

Now to attack those dishes and hit the shops.

Rachel

I was wrong!

There is a lesbian event on this weekend:

“Les Samedis Branchés”
Bar Le Cocktail 1669 Ste-Catherine E.
Saturday January 22 @ 11:00 pm

Performance at 12:30 sharp!

woot woot!

Identified

After my Nerf launching outburst at work yesterday, I was perturbed. Why was I so upset? How could a single song bother me so much? What was I thinking! Sure, there was nothing but dusty Nerf ball outlines on my office window to remind me of yesterday's frustrations. No one was hurt. No one was yelled at. Today no apologies had to be mumbled. And aren't I over love of my life ex? Surely I am ... Even if she isn't the caricature of annoyance that I have presented to you in this blog, there is a reason she is referred to as love of my life ex. However, for a number of reasons, that whole thing is ancient history. She snored for god sakes!

Ah well, today I am feeling more than happy and kinda "so be it" about that whole thing. I'm not sure if I can solely label one thing that has rendered me in the mood but I wonder, could it be that ...? no I won't say it. I don't want to blame all of my life's tense moments on the lunar orbit. Besides, I'm sure watching Shrek in French while imbibing a glass of pinot noir helped lift my mood, too. There is still a meter of snow outside but I'm enjoying it so much better, albeit from the comfort of my couch.

Rachel (nil - still not leaving the house unnecessarily!)

Sad songs they say so much

There is nothing more romantic than the unobtainable
- Doris Lessing

A colleague of mine came into my office today exclaiming, "You have to hear this song!" Like a fool I thought it would be something upbeat, ya know, a little disco to speed up my typing. Instead, she plugged in her iPod and brought up "The Nicest Thing" by Kate Nash. I sat listening to the slow paced lyrics that hit me like a ton of bricks while my pal buzzed about my office.

"Rachel, does this slinky work?" She tried it. It did. "How cool is that! Is that a real fish tank? Oh, it's a USB one." and other inane comments on my office toys until finally the song ended and she turned to me. "Great song, eh?" "Yeah. Brilliant." "There's another song Puncture Repair by Elbow which you should hear, too." Lady, I really, really want you and your depressing tunes out of my office! "Um, I have a report I need to finish. I'll listen to it later." She took the hint. "Okay, see you later," and she bounded out of my office, no doubt on her way to kill someone else's good mood with her depressing tunes.

I shut the door behind her and flung and caught my Nerf ball against the window chanting. "What," throw. "If!" catch. "What," throw. "If?" catch ...

I stopped when I felt better. Actually, I stopped after I threw the Nerf ball so hard it ricocheted off my desk and knocked over my recycling with the most satisfying crash. After that, I felt better.

Rachel (nil) - I really should create a profile on pink sofa...

Enough with the snow already!

Baby all I want for Christmas is...
You
-- Mariah Carey

Can you believe this weather? Yesterday was a bit of a wild storm, loads of snow, mad winds and lightning! The last I heard on the radio, a total of forty centimeters fell here yesterday. If I'm calculating properly, that means that over a meter of the white fluffy stuff has fallen since September. Winter only officially starts on December 21st. I can't believe that I raved with joy about the snow in a previous post.

Last night, after having recovered from mounting the two foot high snow drifts that blocked my doorway, I made the horrific discovery that I was emulating a lesbian stereotype. Yep, there I was brewing herbal tea in fluffy slippers and an old cardigan. Worse still, I had been thinking how nice it would be to have people over for a potluck. What's next, a slew of cats? They would keep me warm I suppose ... Whoa! What is going on? Wasn't I supposed to have a girlfriend to keep me warm by now? Time to put on my snow shoes and get out there!

Except ... where are all the events? Chouettes Coquettes, mimproductions, and Outspoken Montreal next events are all in January. No more potlucks is the only site that lists an event in December. Actually, Deanne Smith will be performing (see details below) so that is bound to be a blast but I digress. Is it really too late to go on a date with someone before Christmas? Time to hit the internet dating sites like Pink Sofa and Reseau Contact.

Deanne Smith - Smart Mouth
Cagibi 5490 St.Laurent
Thursday 27th December, 21:45

Rachel (nil) - It's too cold to go out!

No degrees of separation.

Six degrees of separation refers to the idea that, if a person is one "step" away from each person he or she knows and two "steps" away from each person who is known by one of the people he or she knows, then everyone is no more than six "steps" away from each person on Earth ...

--Wikipedia

A Nearly Naked Noel was the bomb! And Cafe Campus was the perfect venue for it. I had an absolute blast last night. Well, I had a blast once I had deftly slalomed to avoid lesbian drama and was safely on my second g & t.

I absolutely adore Miss Sugarpuss. Correction, I have a massive crush on the gorgeous green eyed Miss Sugarpuss. She is yummy! So, imagine my excitement when I managed to find a seat a mere two tables from the stage just in time to catch Miss Sugarpuss and Seska Lee kick off the show. Then, imagine my horror when, post their delightful strip and tassel twist, a quick survey of my surroundings revealed that I had inadvertently sat next to the tonsil hacking twins, a.k.a. love of my life ex and former mutual friend. Worse still, I could not place the woman sitting at the table with them until wonderful sat down next to her. Brief but awkward eye contact with wonderful ensued.

One of the endearing qualities of love of my life ex, who I still appreciate even if she is more often than not somehow physically attached to former mutual friend when I see her, is that she is the master of introductions. Unfortunately, she chose to shine again in this capacity last night in a small pause between acts.

"Rachel, how great to see you!"

"Hi! Nearly didn't see you there." My arms made a vague attempt to outline the beast with two heads she and former mutual friend had so recently formed.

"Oh!" she had the decency to blush, "Still so happy after a year." Smile. So, after a year with me there was no happiness? ... Move on Rache.

"Rachel, I want you to meet wonderful and her partner main squeeze. We met at a female ejaculation workshop last summer."

Last summer. Hm ... definitely getting the feeling that if wonderful has a blog, my nickname is bit on the side.

"How ... wonderful!" I looked up at the balcony and made a vague wave to a speaker before turning back to their table. "Well, really nice to meet you both but I just spotted my friend upstairs." Many smiles were then exchanged around the table which I quickly left for the bar. I bought two gin and tonics, walked them up to the balcony and secured a better view of the stage. Once seated again, I downed one g & t and savored the second during the rest of the show. I giggled discreetly throughout.

Rachel (nil) keepin' my pants on!

PS Check this event out tomorrow

Girls Gone Wild Party!

Friday, December 14, 2007 at 10:00 pm
1285 Amherst below St- Catherine

Demain

Something to definitely check out:

A NEARLY NAKED NOËL
an Xrated Xmas Xtravaganza

Date:	Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Time:	8:00pm - 10:30pm
Location:	Café Campus

See you there,
Rachel ***

Friggin' Snow!

Montreal was dumped on yesterday - 40 cm of the fluffy white stuff. I actually prefer mounds of snow to damp gray weather but not when the Outspoken monthly meeting gets cancelled. Ah well, the debut of Rachel 2.0 will have to wait until the new year. Zuts alors!

Am I the only one?

Oh, one, touching one, reaching out
Touching me, touching you
Oh, sweet Caroline
Good times never seem so good
Oh I've been inclined to believe it never would
- Neil Diamond, Sweet Caroline (1969)

Am I the only person who finds it disturbing that Neil Diamond wrote Sweet Caroline for Caroline Kennedy when she was eleven and he was twenty-eight? Check out the interview. But I digress ...

Rachel ** (somewhat weirded out)

This is the end, my only friend the end

Gentlemen and ladies are earnestly advised that new partners rarely wish to hear about old flames. Anything like bragging or wallowing should not be indulged in ...
-- Nerve's Guide to Sex Etiquette, for ladies and gentlemen

I am exhausted after a full week of evening shifts at image+nation. I absolutely loved being involved in the festival this year and am more than a little sad that tonight is the final screening. It certainly has been a wonderful opportunity to expand my queer network. Ironically, I have made more gay male friendships than queer women ones. I tried, honestly I did, but somehow my ventures into small to medium talk with women managed to get onto the ex track each time. For example:

"Hi, my name is Rachel. What is yours?"

Pleasant reply including first name and little smile.

"So, how long have you been volunteering at the festival?"

"This is my first year. Actually, I only signed up to (get over/ escape from/ annoy) my ex who is (somewhere with all my money/ still living in the place we bought together/ also a volunteer). She is a real (bitch/ cow/ lovely person) who (did me wrong/ did my sister/ caught me doing someone else) ... " and on and on until I was able to extract myself from their often very sad monologues. I still can't figure out if they were attempting to bond with me or get rid of me. Regardless, a word to the wise, whoa on the personal details people. Complaining about your exes ad nauseum makes you sound either like a cad or a loser. Neither of these options are attractive.

My picks from the festival:
Itty Bitty Titty Committee
This Kiss
She's a Boy I Knew
Shelter

Rachel ** (perhaps the boys can help me out)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ...

Just when I was feeling the strong pull of Europe, Mother Nature layers down the most sumptuous fluffy snow over my fair city. Montreal wears her winter cloak so fetchingly, I hardly mind the cold bite on my cheeks as my boots crunch along the uncleared sidewalks.

Hopefully this on time snowfall is indicative that we will finally have a real Montreal winter.

I am loving the snow now even though I know I will hate it in March.

Rachel **** (in love with melt-able white stuff)

Deep Breath

So, I hope you were appreciating how classy I was being by not wondering at length in this blog as to where wonderful was and why she had not emailed me after last week's night - morning?- of passion despite insisting on my leaving contact details. For the record,that incident was absolutely what the doctor ordered. Myself being the doctor and the order being getting flipped on my back and taken care of in the most thorough way.

Anyway, I usually consider four days of no contact as clear indication that there may have been sparks but there will be no fire. However, after last night there is no need for me to wonder at all. I was tearing tickets for the Itty Bitty Titty Committee when I sensed someone starring at me. I turned to my right to find wonderful looking very much like a deer caught in my headlights holding another woman's hand. Fabulous woman that I am, I winked and shot her a broad grin before greeting the next movie goer.

Are they girlfriends? Are they in an open relationship? are they just beginning to date? Ya know what, I don't have time to wonder. Regardless of what is going on, I hadn't heard from her since our night of passion and still haven't, for that matter. Besides, I am the one auditioning local talent here. Someone who does not have the courtesy to contact me when they say they will is definitely off the call back list.

Rachel **

Party ON!

Last night, Head and Hands hosted a party in the Main Hall (5390 St. Laurent - upstairs from the Green Room). I headed up to mile end with a group of hipster queers that I met after watching Shelter at the image+nation festival. It was really fun in a naughty way - spilt beer all over the dance floor and people, crappy sound system belting out the "Violent Femmes", ladies with their hands down each others pants grinding on the dance floor ... how I love Montreal! I certainly enjoy attending civilized Kitty Cat Klub 5 a 7's in the village but wow! it was nice to party it up with people who were not discussing their condo fees.

Head and Hands' next party at the Main Hall is happening on World AIDS Day (November 30) for more details visit http://www.headandhands.ca/.

Another sure to be interesting event on World AIDS day is taking place downtown from 5 until 10 pm, "Echos Séropos from here and elsewhere" magazine is also having a Fundraiser at Gorée (1240 Crescent Street). It is hosted by the completely fabulous DJ Kani.

Anyway, I am showered and off to volunteer at the Imperial. The Itty Bitty Titty Committee is playing tonight. I am hoping to catch it on my shift.

Rachel ***

The Bubble

I just got back from the opening film of the image+nation film festival. The first film was "The Bubble (Ha-Bauh)" It was brilliant though very sad.

However, the woman from the TD bank who introduced the film was hot hot hot! A cascade of shoulder length black hair, crisp white shirt under a black vest, just the right amount of curves poured into her tight jeans plus high heels. Mama mia. Time to switch banks!

Rachel **

Ladies at Le Stud

Stud (animal) - a male animal employed for breeding
- Wikipedia

Last night, having wandered the length of the village looking for an open bar that wasn't hosting a Karaoke night, myself and the clutch of gay boys I was wandering with, entered our Wednesday night standby Bar Le Stud. Wednesdays are the only nights that women are allowed into Le Stud, a male meat market which kinda looks like a grungy cage aux sports except that the men on the large screens are bare backing instead of playing hockey. As per usual, the crowd was mainly male however a decent selection of women were at the pool tables and chatting at the bar.

Perhaps because I hadn't seen her in a few months, it took me awhile to recognize wonderful casually sipping a beer while watching two on screen bears going for it with the help of a large leather sling. I sidled up to her.

"Now what is a woman like you doing in a place like this?"
A grin took over her face before she spoke.
"Hey!" kiss, kiss, "How are you?"

We caught up and then engaged in light to medium conversation. It was lovely to be on the receiving end of her easy smiles. When Deelite came on, we decided to brave the dance floor. She looked so cute getting her groove on, I had to ask for a kiss. It was brilliant! We continued to dance, kiss and drink until "last call" was shouted out over the grinding masses. Ten minutes later the lights came up. Her arms were still around my waist.

"I live on Wolfe. Do you want to come over?"

Logic made me pause. It was past three. At what time would I have to leave the Village in order to get home, shower, change and be at work for nine? As I considered wonderful leaned forward and whispered in my ear.

"Je suis une top."
Yes! "Let's go."

Rachel *****

And we are back ...

... to Montreal, the cold, feeling at least average height again.

It's been awhile since I blogged but essentially, part way through my trip in the Netherlands, while actually out on a date in Utretcht with a woman I had met in Amsterdam's Saarein, little miss everywhere appeared. Well, more appropriately, little miss everywhere sent glasses of port over to my and my date's table as we finished up our meal. A great deal of shenanigans ensued, which was brilliant, but um I didn't get to do as much sight seeing as I had intended for the next few days.

Anyway, I'm back in Montreal, putting little miss everywhere out of my mind and flogging the "location, location, location" horse.

Actually, it wasn't a hundred percent that simple. By some evil twist of fate, I ended up in the arrivals hall at Trudeau airport just as love of my life ex and former mutual friend were reuniting after, gasp, a weekend apart. "Oh baby, I missed you so much!" over and over while they pawed each other amongst the startled masses. Call me jaded but if I hear their insipid "baby" voices again I might have to rip out their tongues. Well, at least they both have the same matching bad hair.

Rachel * (bitter but better off!)

Out and About

Yesterday, I visited the Van Gogh museum in the morning. It was awe inspiring to see the real pieces which I had previously only seen in posters and postcards. And he produced so much! What a shame that he had a mental illness. Then again, would he have been so creative if he hadn't had one? No way to know.

Following the Van Gogh museum, I visited the Ann Frank huis. That was also a perspective shifting experience. To think that the Franks had survived so long in such a small space before someone ratted them out.

After visiting the Frank house, I decided to take a canal tour to see the city and reflect a bit. Oddly enough, the tour turned out to be rather amusing especially as some French tourists mistook me for the captain of the canal boat - hilarious! I think my allo-quebecer accent really threw them. Besides, I am well too short to be Dutch. My french cuffed pink and white striped shirt over jeans must have fooled them. Pink shirts in solids, checks and stripes combined with corduroy jackets and jeans is all the rage here. Perhaps with my short hair and wearing similar attire, I look like a little man. Actually, I have been getting the student rate without asking. Do I look like a pre pubescent boy? ... hmmm. Not sure if I should be insulted or pleased.

Rachel *** (enjoying crushing lemons in her Wiekse Witte with the neat doodads at the end of dutch stir sticks)

Good Samaritan

Kiss me with your Eyes
- silk screening advert, Stedelijk Museum

Madness! On my way back from Sappho - smoky lesbian bar packed with eye candy - I encountered a woman stumbling down the Princes Canal. She saw me, mumbled something in Spanish and gave me her mobile phone. Her boyfriend was on the other end and explained to me that he had lost her over two hours ago when she had left the Coffee House they had been in. Yes, that kind of coffee house. I was able to explain to him where we were but found it very difficult to explain to her that she needed to move to a safer street corner.

Dammit! Why had la profesora spent so much time on feelings and days of the week! I needed to explain to this woman that she needed to move towards the light and the monster sized poster of the hot Swiss ski instructor.

"La luz!" I pointed frantically down the canal.
"loose?"

My dutch companion shook her head, "Let us just walk her." Which is what we did. We walked her to the corner, told her to stay "aqui!", crossed the street and waited for her boyfriend to appear. Secretly, I was expecting a nefarious looking character so was slightly disappointed when a sweet enough looking guy in a pink shirt appeared to whisk her to safety.

If you are in Amsterdam, definitely visit Saarein and Sappho ;-).

Rachel *****

All Hallow's Eve

Yesterday, I arrived in Amsterdam wearing a white ten gallon hat, jeans and cowboy boots. No one seemed to realize that I was in costume. Cowboy boots are very popular here but the hat, come on! Even when I went to the ARC later on in the hopes of at least striking up a conversation with a "pardner", only this guy with a fake eye in jam would talk to me. We were both waiting for the DJ to arrive on the bus from Rotterdam. Ah well!

I did meet a lovely blond woman who took me on a bicycle tour today. During the first part, I had my own bike and chased her over canals, tram tracks and between pedestrians. At dusk, we returned the bike I had been using to her friend before she doubled me on the back wheel. My life flashed before my eyes as I peered under her arm and bicycle bells rang about and at us. I had no idea my life would be framed in herring bone tweed. We shared 11% amber beer afterwards. Tasty!

All in all, I am enjoying myself here. Though, the restaurant service leaves much to be desired. No smiles and sloooow. In fact, the complete lack of smiles makes me wonder about the dental hygiene here. I never thought I would consider Montreal a friendly place or that it had generally superior restaurant service than anywhere. Who knew? Another reason to continue my local talent search upon my return.

Rachel *** (having fun)

Leaving Den Haag

The last couple of days have been relatively uneventful. Sal and I have been watching loads of porn (who knew double penetration was so popular?) but the awkwardness of last Sunday has not been repeated. I guess she has read He is Just Not That Into You as well, especially the chapter He's not that into you if he doesn't want to have sex with you.

Anyway, the two gay clubs here, Stairs and Friends, are only open on the weekend so I have been spending my days sightseeing and evenings eating lovely meals with sal. It has been nice to catch up on old times and sift through her photos of us over the years.

Yesterday I spent the day at Scheveningen, a North Sea beach resort - read COLD, hiking through the dunes and examining the sleeping remnants of Nazi monsters. Today unfortunate looking rich people and I jockied for a decent view of the Vermeers on display at the Maurithaus. The play of light in the View of Delft is exquisite. I learnt the word for Lady!, mevrouw, when I got too close to the tiny little dots in the painting.

Tomorrow I am to Amsterdam. They have several gay bars there :)

Rachel **

Inside Peaches

Fresh fruit (not the staff, please!) salad
- Menu item at Scallywags, Den Haag

The day started off lazy. South Asian lovely, aka sal, let me sleep in until eleven, fed me a big feed and then took me into town. Den Haag is a beautiful city of cobble stoned streets, canals, open tree filled squares and plenty of cyclists and trams to dodge. We shopped, sauntered, purchased me a SIM card, savoured for cream tea and basically made a relaxing day of it.

At one point we stopped in what can best described as a pharmacy without the pharmaceuticals, seeking hair product. After awhile, sal led me to an array of vibrators on display in the window. She had loads of questions.

"Rachel, what does this one do? Why is there a rabbit there?"
"Oh, that bit goes ... while that other piece slips in ... "
"Would this really fit on any vibrating toothbrush?"

Now that question made me pause. I stopped and looked at the small red silicon brush visible in the package's window and the diagram on how to screw it onto any electronic tooth brush. Made in Canada? I pursed my lips. Could it be that the lovely undergrad I had been fortunate enough to encounter four years ago had quit her fine arts degree to mass produce the, um, modified vibrating toothbrush she had so happily demoed to me at the time? Guess I'll never know for sure.

We left the store empty handed, returned to Sal's large flat and the 24/7 porn channel just in time for Inside Peaches: Hot stories written for Peaches by Peaches' female fans. Sal began to question me as the episode's story unfolded and I began to question a few things myself.

"Is this really how lesbians have sex?"
"Some might. Yeah, it seems fairly accurate. Their nails are a bit long and I'd be moving in closer."
"What's she doing now?"
I explained. "But, I'd probably put my fingers the other way."
"Really?"
"Yeah."

There was a long pause while I considered how uncomfortable I was watching pseudo-lesbian porn with a close platonic pal. Our hands touched in the popcorn bowl.

"Ya know what, I'm going to have a shower and get some sleep."
"Would you like some company?"

A really awkward pause followed. Finally, I broke it.
"No thanks. It has been a fun day. I'll see you tomorrow."

I slipped off, had a shower and quietly read He's Just Not That Into You in the spare room. It's actually quite a useful book.

Rachel *** (dodging action)

p.s. I had my eyebrows done while we were out shopping. I'll upload a decent shot of me to my facebook profile for dykoon.

p.p.s. To be honest, I was a bit shy above as I didn't want sal to see the symetrically placed bite breath , bite breath bruises tracing the insides of my thighs. (I don't tell you everything).

Den Haag

Hello from the Hague, Netherlands! I am writing from south asia lovely`s Swiss French keyboard which is trickier than expected. Why are the 'z' and 'y' swapped?

South asia lovely is a cute transplanted Montreal street funk who is living here in expat redux. She has an unusually spacious apartment with a view, something not to be sneezed at here in the land of three story brick edifices. Today is a bit grey but I'm not complaining. Beautiful Dutch women whiz past me on their bicycles pumping their calves into perfection.

I arrived in the Netherlands yesterday just before noon as my flight was five hours delayed leaving Montreal. The delay was annoying but when the airline feels the need to change the entire plane due to a fuel leak, I'd rather wait out the five hours than get on a death trap.

I was feeling a bit groggy from jet lag and last week's adventures so really appreciated that south asian lovely had driven the forty five minutes from the Hague to pick me up at Schiphol in the cutest little blue car. Perhaps because of my grogginess, it took me a shower and cup of coffee to realise how much south asian lovely has sexed it up since the last time I saw her. Always cute, the woman is now hot hot hot in an alterna executive way. Or how would you describe a classy euro dresser with deep purple tips tracing the jags of her ebony locks?

By the time I had awoken to her increased loveliness, it was time for the "Welcome Rachel" dinner whose main feature was the most delicious melt in your mouth fall off the bone chicken curry I have ever had. That really is something that Montreal lacks in the downtown core, decent Indian. The other dinner guests were expats who, like south asian lovely, work for international justice organizations here in The Hague. As you can imagine, the dinner conversation was scintillating. I sat wide eyed and silent listening in awe to the real stories behind the slivers of truth we receive in the Canadian press. It also struck me that I need to get over my tedious middle class angst. Sure, I have work related conflicts but the people I have conflicts with are not alleged mass murderers.

Getting over herself,
Rachel (nil)

Les sourcils

I ache in the places where I used to play.
-- Leonard Cohen I'm Your Man

My head HURTS. My bud dykoon was in town last night. It is always a pleasure to see her and not only because she is one of my few remaining friends who knows how to party. Last night before we zig zagged to and from Old Montreal, the plateau, mile end and the Village in search of martinis and good times we had dinner at L'Express - Ile Flottant, yum. About a bottle of wine into our meal and during a lull in my laments about the Montreal scene, dykoon pursed her lips and regarded me with quizzical interest.

"Rachel, I like the new look, the hair, the clothes it's good, suits you but ... " She paused.
"What?"
"Nah, you're going to kill me."
"Come on! Tell me." She shook her head. "Dykoon, you can't leave me hanging like that!"
"Okay!" at which point she leapt out of her chair and, with suit coat flapping, grabbed my cheeks to twist my face from side to side. "Eyebrows!"
"What?"
"You need to get your eyebrows done. It will open up your face and I swear you will have women eating out of the palm of your hand in six months." Now that sounded good.
"Okay." She sat down again.
"And get your hair layered."
"Okay."
"And stop whining. It's unattractive."
"Okay, I'm on it."
"Good. Now where is this Barmacie?"

Like I said, always a pleasure but, wow, am I paying for it today. I think I'll just move the water cooler into my office.

Rachel

Walk of Shame

All night
She wants the young American
Young American, young American, she wants the young American
All right
She wants the young American
-- David Bowie Young American

This morning on the metro a woman who was so obviously on a walk of shame entered the car I was in. Wearing last night's smudged make up, she teetered over on scuffed heels to an empty seat and arranged her long sculpted legs under her trench. It was obvious from my vantage point that her stockings were riddled with tears. Blue green smudges darkened at her wrist and clavicle. She kept her eyes down but maintained a wistful grin before exiting at Bonaventure. I suppose she was rushing home to look for a turtle neck.

Well, at least someone in this city is getting laid.

Rachel **

No. Absolutely NOT.

As these things go, I have recently reconnected with a number of people from my sporty spice days via facebook. I was happy to reconnect with one woman who is so obviously out from her profile pic. We had always been good acquaintances/ team mates but never really hung out much outside of sports. To be honest, when I accepted her friend request it was more of a strategic, "Hmm, she's out. Maybe she has cute friends?" kinda move than an actual desire to meet up with her in person. So, imagine my surprise to find this wall post from her when I logged into facebook this morning:

Hey! Nice pics of you from two years ago. What happened? You're twice the woman you used to be. lol.

Yes, a wall post viewable to all my friends. I friggin' tasted blood. Absolutely 100% NOT what I wanted to wake up to this morning. I started to write on her wall

My body is the way I want it. And other people want it, too...

But reconsidered. Why write a defensive reply that will potentially linger in the internet's ether forever when I could easily acquire as much cyberspace as I needed? I cancelled out of her profile and returned to mine.

Delete post? Are you sure you want to Delete it?
Delete.

Remove Friend? Are you sure you want to remove this friend?
Remove.

Ah, so much better!
Rachel ***

What was that?

Okay, so now that I have had a couple of days to recoup and dry out from my "date" of last Friday I am beginning to wonder what the deal was. I mean, why did gorgeous insist on giving me her phone number if two days later she had a "let's be friends" speech ready for me? I under went a great deal of unnecessary angst last week preparing for that date, thank you very much. I even waxed. Everywhere.

Or maybe it is fine. A certain amount of baggage was opened up to me on Friday and it all seemed too sudden too soon. I mean, were we in the gardens for a date or a therapy session? Hm ... I think I had best proceed with caution here.

In other news, I just received my volunteer schedule for the image+nation film festival. I am really excited! Almost ten years ago, before I was out, I shyly asked a female friend of mine to a screening at the festival. We sat in the darkness munching and laughing along to the film until she pressed the length of her leg against mine. My breath completely left me and like the proverbial deer in her headlights, I froze. I wonder where she is now?

Rachel (nil)

The F word

Last night, a splatter of rain drops began to hit my office window just before six. I grabbed my massive company logo-ed golf umbrella on my way out the door. A fortunate thing as the rain was torrential on Friday night. I arrived at the botanical gardens just before seven with thermosed hot chocolate and biscotti. I spotted gorgeous in her gum boots by the gate. She folded up her umbrella and we walked into the nearly empty gardens under mine. My jeans were already soaked from my soft leather boots to my knees.

Blushing with small talk, we followed the lanterned path until we met the "lagoon". It was good and felt natural. The conversation flowed in rivulets until we paused next to the Friendship Pavilion facing the Stone Mountain. As I watched the lit boats sway in the water, I sensed a slight shift in gorgeous's position to mine. Sure enough, the dreaded words soon followed.

"Rachel, I need to tell you something ..." Perhaps inspired by the heavens opening up above us, a sordid tale of lesbian drama flowed from gorgeous's lips, a tale which it is not my place to repeat here. However, I will recommend to all of you, if you live with your partner, it's a good idea to have separate user accounts on your home computer. If you don't have those and you break up with said partner, it's a good idea to change your password on any and all internet accounts you may have. Never, ever cache those passwords. When you change those passwords, try not to make the new passwords guessable, for example "{her name}b1tch" is not a good choice.

And so I listened and empathized and outside of a few "hmmms" heard in silence while a part of me wondered what the hell I was doing in soaked pants and the driving rain listening and empathizing when I could be at home in front of my fireplace with a hot drink. Sadder still, I knew where the conversation was flowing to. No one ever says, "Can I talk to you?" or "I need to tell you something" when what they have to tell you is something you may want to hear. No, those phrases are always a precursor to getting fired or dumped. Last night, lucky me, it was neither. Instead I was offered the F word. Yes, the dreaded F word. No, not f**k or fudge or even evil facebook but friend. Friend. Platonic pal (argh).

A few years ago, I might have responded with "I have quite a few friends already, thank you." And I do. I love people and I have many friends but lately they have all been coupling up or having babies. Sometimes, even, both things have happened to the same friend. So ... yeah, I guess I could try my hand at being gorgeous's friend. Why not? She's hot. Surely she has hot friends.

Rachel **

Problem Solved :)

On my way home last night I saw an ad for the Magic of Laterns in the Chinese Gardens near the Big Owe. Yes, Montreal may only have "China block and half" but we do have Chinese Gardens. Then again, everywhere in this city is China town just like everywhere is Greek town or Haitian town. Montreal is simply no longer easy to divy up via ethnic boundaries. Even the traditional French English split east and west of St. Laurent Boulevard (St. Lawrence to American tourists) is blurring. So be it! Bring on diversity and all of her beautifully mixed trilingual children.

That was a bit of a tangent. "And now back to the original purpose of this post ..." So, I called gorgeous last night and we arranged to meet this evening at seven by the gates to the Botanical Gardens. I'm going to bring a little snack and some hot chocolate. Then again it might be too hot for hot chocolate. It is currently 15'C outside and the forecast indicates that it will be 19'C later. Unheard of in Montreal at this time of year. The world is ending but at least the flowers are prettily blooming.

Have a good weekend!
Rachel ****

Yikes!

OMG! gorgeous said "Friday?". That's tomorrow! Zuts! I have to call her tonight to make plans for TOMORROW. I need a plan for a hot first date pronto. Dinner ... too soon? movie maybe but then no talking and if I pick a bad one ... definitely no Drugstore!
Rachel **** (still :)

Happy Rides

Holy, I am the luckiest of the lucky! Last night on my metro ride back home from a friend's place in the Plateau, gorgeous magically appeared in my car. Okay, maybe that is an exageration but, well, I was adjusting the volume on my iPod when I heard a soft voice ask "Rachel?" I looked up to find gorgeous looking down at me.

Jumping out of my seat, I could not hide my excitement to see her. "Hi!", kiss on both cheeks, "Where are you coming from?" We shared some small talk for maybe two stations and then she looked at me rather intently. Feeling very brave I said, "I really enjoyed talking with you the other night." "Me too." Pause. "You should call me." "I don't have your number." "Give me your phone."

I happily handed over my mobile. With an impressive display of finger dexterity she inputted her name, including winky smiley, and number into my phone. She pressed the phone back into my hand, kissed me on the cheek asked, "Friday?" and lept off the train just before the doors closed at Champ de Mars. Beaming, I nodded at her through the glass as I was pulled out of the station.

Oy! I love a woman who knows what she wants. I guess that whole shy theory has been thrown out the window. Bonus ;)

Rachel ****

Events Oct 21-26

Lesbians and the Outdoors
Sunday, October 21st, 2007.
3 pm
Parc Lafontaine by the bridge near the mini falls.
Baseball, hackey sack and a frisbee.
Free

Kitty Cat Klub 5 a 7
Friday, October 26
6 pm a whenever :)
Le Cocktail
1669 Ste catherine Est
$5

Black Ball
e.g. you must wear black. Hallowe'en costumes optional
Friday, October 26 8:00pm
L'Alize
900 Ontario East
DJ Love Pussy
$10/$15

Mullet Magnet

Sad but true, I am a mullet magnet. I'm not sure what it is about my demeanor that attracts them but lesbians with bad hair decisions like to dance in my personal space. How the mullet aka hockey hair has survived the lesbian chic revolution, I'm not sure. Unfortunately the mullet, like too tight acid wash jeans and suede jackets with a fringe, has persisted in the community. How heartbreaking for the owners of the hair salon in the Le Drugstore to see women who desperately need their help climb by every Friday. No wonder they close early.

If you are not sure what a mullet is, you may be at risk of wearing one. Basically, if your hair is above your ears in the front but touching your collar in the back, you are wearing a follicle faux pas. A warning to those of you with brush cuts or faux hawks, you are in grave danger of allowing these styles to grow into disaster. Do not risk these styles if you are unable to follow a regular hair styling schedule. Trust me, "growing your hair" is no excuse. In fact, there is no excuse for hockey hair. I don't care if you live under a rock.

Rachel **

Last night's results:

• Le Climb ***
• I did attract women to dance. They just had mullets :(
  
• Conversation with women of interest **
• Dancing ***
  
• Drinks offered *
  
• I was offered drinks but not by women of interest
  
• Pick ups (nil)
• New contacts **

My sad little face

Yesterday during the day, I mentally psyched myself up to ask gorgeous out on a date. After much pondering of my awkwardness around her, it also occurred to me that she was a bit awkward as well. Could this be a sign? Perhaps she is shy! Have you ever noticed that when a person is really really attractive, they are viewed as unobtainable. But what a conundrum if you are very good looking and shy? Ever wonder why some really hot people go out with not so attractive people? I think it is because that the not so attractive people have the guts to ask! Not that I am saying that I am ugly, just that gorgeous is in a different league.

Bolstered by this logic I sped home on my pony (bike) after work, showered and put on my best shirt, my brightest tie and headed down to Cabaret Mado's. By the time I arrived, there were a good crowd of women, mainly in their thirties and forties, mingling by the bar. But no gorgeous. I kept an eye out for her but she was a no show. Sigh. It is hard not to worry that gorgeous' "single window", e.g. the amount of time a lesbian appears on the scene between spats of coupledom, is now closed. Who knows ... I should have asked her out earlier. What I do know is that I am on a mission and it is not for the missionary position! I met some other women of note over baileys but no phone numbers were exchanged. I guess everything is via facebook these days. Well, the weekend starts in less than seven hours. My cold sore cleared up on Monday, thanks to my consistent application of Zovirax over last weekend, and I am ready to continue my talent scouting mission.

To all of you who are also heading out to audition local talent this weekend - good luck!

Rachel **

• Conversation with women of interest ***
• Drinks offered to me **
  
• Pick ups (nil)
• New contacts ***
  

Tonight!

I am actually quite excited about going to Mado's tonight. Cabaret Mado is the place where I have had the most success picking up women in Montreal. I know, it hardly makes any sense. Cabaret Mado is a drag queen cabaret, Mado being the self proclaimed Queen of Drag Queens. Or maybe it does make sense ... bi-curious fag hags pretending to be there for the show while really checking out the female talent in the crowd? Hmm ... maybe I should suggest a drag show at Le Drug.

One pick up in particular was stupendous. To this day, I have no idea how I managed to be so fortunate. I was standing with my back to the stage checking out this absolutely beautiful woman. She had an eighties look going on, large gold hoop earrings, black silky hair tied back in a tight pony tail, black crop top showing just the right amount of tanned tummy, tight dark blue jeans and tall heels. Yum! As I was taking her in, she turned her large amber eyes to me and caught me staring. Busted! She did not smile. In fact her look was so cold, I thought I would soon be wearing her drink. Then a smile teased at the corner of her mouth, she grabbed my hand, said, "You're cute.", and led me downstairs to the women's washrooms.

We entered a mosaic clad stall and made out. Our hands flowed everywhere - up, over, under - it was so HOT! It was actually really, really hot and definitely heading towards bras unsnapping and zips opening when someone flushed in the stall next to us. All of a sudden I became acutely aware of where we were, the flushes and other sounds, the toilet paper clinging to my shoe, the hard edge of the sanitary napkin disposal biting into the small of my back ... I hesitated and the moment was lost. We smiled and returned upstairs. I bought her a drink, got her number and that was it.

Okay, maybe that wasn't a pick up per se but it certainly was a saucy flirt. By the way, I did call her but she had met some guy bla bla bla.

So, um, not that I expect a similar thing to happen tonight but I will be wearing my brightest tie.

Rachel ***

Back on that horse!

After my last post concerning my thwarted booty call, I feel a need to refocus. Repeat with me, "location, location, location"! Here are some local events in the next two weeks:

Kitty Cat Club @ Cabaret Mado
Date: Thursday October 11
Time: 6:00pm - 9:00pm
Address: 1115 Ste-Catherine Est
Cost: $5
Contact: open door policy / facebook group

Single's Soiree @ Echalote Restaurant
Date: Tuesday October 16
Time: 6:30 pm
Contact: RSVP required. Visit here for more details

Chouettes Coquettes Happy Hour @ FÛT-ZION
Date: Friday October 19
Time: 5 pm
Address: 1441 Amherst
Contact: http://www.chouettescoquettes.com
Note: They go out for dinner afterwards as well but you have to RSVP for the dinner. Go to the website and register there.

Tip of the Tongue Karaoke Night
Date: Friday October 19
Time: 9:00pm
This is a closed group so you will have to first join their mailing list in order to acquire the location.
Contact: tiptongue@gmail.com

The above information was gleaned from the links on the right hand side of the page, facebook groups or mailing lists.

Mailing lists:

• miriam ginestier - mim@aei.ca
• Tip of the Tongue - tiptongue@gmail.com

facebook groups to join:

• Kitty Cat Klub
  
• Lesbians and the Outdoors
• MEOW MIXERS


• Faggity Ass Fridays

Good luck!
Rachel ***

Argh.

I just got word that my ex-lover has had to cancel her Montreal booty call because the woman she left me for fell out of a window. I totally agree that she had to cancel the trip but ... argh.

Rachel (nil)

Being thankful

Not a few of you may be against celebrating Thanksgiving (I would add a link here but putting "thanksgiving genocide" into any search engine will give you plenty to read) but today was the day my family celebrated it. We had turkey, autumn vegetables and delicious pumpkin pie. We also had a new guest! One of my brothers brought his new girlfriend and there was no small amount of buzz prior to her arrival. When they finally arrived she did and said all the right things with my parents, brought them some wine, hung up her own coat, helped with the hors d'oeuvres, patted the dog etc. In general, she was very friendly, pleasant to everyone and appropriately dressed e.g. her breasts weren't hanging out of her top.

However, for some reason, this woman could not accept that I was single. What is the deal with coupled people and singles? Admittedly, this blog is about me auditioning local talent but being single is not the end of the world. In all honesty, I would rather be single than in a loveless partnership or otherwise settling for someone. I chose to ignore the few comments along the lines of, "I can't believe that you are single. You seem so intelligent." But then, when we sat down for dinner, she launched into match maker mode.

"Tell me, Rachel, what are you looking for? I know lots of Beaus!"
I shot my brother a quizzical look. He did not return my gaze. "Well, Amelie, I'm actually more into the Belles than the Beaus."
"Oh. Whatever makes you happy is fine with me."
I could have left it there, it being Thanksgiving and all, but her series of hetero-centric assumptions grated on me. So instead I added, "Actually, I hadn't been asking for your approval. I just wanted you to know what I was into before you embarrassed yourself further."

A cloak of silence, save for the clacking of cutlery and smacking of lips, fell upon the table. Amelie had the decency to blush. Finally, my step father asked if anyone would like more potatoes and conversation took over again. Later, as I was bringing plates into the kitchen before dessert, my mom grabbed my arm and quietly said to me. "You handled that well, dear." Which is part of what I feel thankful for right now. Being out to and accepted by my family.

The other thing I feel thankful for is my ingenuity. Last week, I went to one of Outspoken Montreal's Coffee Meetings at Le Cocktail. While I was there I met a wonderful woman but foolishly was too shy to ask for her contact details. A shyness I completely regretted the following day and especially after I realized that the next coffee meeting is on November sixth. This evening while on the metro home from Thanksgiving dinner, I had a eureka moment. Surely, the smooth-movin' lesbian who had also been talking to wonderful, would have at least become wonderful's facebook friend. Sure enough, when I got home and logged into facebook, I discovered that wonderful was indeed smooth-movin's facebook friend. I only felt mildly stalkerish as I sent wonderful a friend request. I was elated when I received her friend acceptance an hour later! May the games begin :)

Rachel ***

• Poaching Contacts ****

Meow

Last night was the tenth anniversary of the mim productions meow mix. This time, though, it was held in a mansion downtown. Neat rooms with a variety of music. A fun night and a great set up to dodge my wouldst be sugar mama, who would like to "keep" me in Sutton, and love of my life ex and former mutual friends disgusting pdas. Tongues are only for airport and train station goodbye kisses! Other than that I didn't really see anyone I knew. Maybe they were dodging me as well ;-)

I've only picked up once at a meow mix. A memorable winter night back when meow mixers were allowed to smoke at the Sala Rosa. I can't even really remember how it started but I ended up dirty dancing with a woman on the smoky dance floor. It was fun and when the lights went up we were still pleased with each others' company. A few more smiles and a tentative kiss later, she invited me over for tea.

Back at hers, I shed my winter layers and was directed to the living room while she put the kettle on. I sat down and was startled to find myself directly across from six larger than life photos of female genitalia in a variety of coiffures and body modifications. Their arrangement in a straight line reminded me of the menu display at my favorite Korean downtown. That night, though, I hoped that instead of ordering Bi-bim-bap in a hot pot I could order the ejaculating clit with the triangle piercing. The woman in question returned with the tea, which, fortunately, was included with the nightly special.

Rachel**

• Dancing **
• Drinks offered to me by women of interest (nil)
• Drinks offered by me to women of interest (nil)
• Pick ups (nil)
• New contacts (nil)
• Evasion of sugar mama *****

Le Drug

Oh oh catch that buzz
Le Drug is the drug i´m thinking of
Oh oh can´t you see
Le Drug is the drug for me
--Roxy Music (tweaked)

It is yesterday afternoon. I am staring out my office window thinking "I really don't want to be here" when I happily get the call:

"Salut, Rachelle. Nous irons au Drug ce soir, peux tu venir?"
"Absolument, mon amie!"
"Parfait, à cinq heures."

Doesn't my name sounds so much sexier in French? Oh, Rachelle! yum.

I check the clock. 4:30. Why hang out until five staring out the window when I can start the weekend now and be nicely refreshed for Monday? The logic I live by. With my files saved to my key chain, desktop shut down and my office door locked, I head to the metro. The Peel street platform is crowded and there are no seats to be had on the train. Obviously, I am not the only one who has decided to kick the weekend off early. Ah! I love Montreal.

Exiting at Beaudry, I stop off at the Couche-Tard for some funds then cross Ste Catherine and head East. We always sit on the roof terrace in the summer and though it is October, it is also 25 degrees. I know the roof top is where my friends will be. How easy it will be to find them is another story but I have more important things to worry about. There are six flights of stairs I must mount properly. Eye contact may be at a minimum in Le Drugstore but trust me, you have eyes on you as your muscles flex up those stairs. Ass presentation at this time is essential to later success on the dance floor. I remove the jacket from about my waste, tuck in my tummy and climb. Fridays are always my "ass pant" days and today I am wearing short pants. I do not miss the opportunity to exhibit my calves as well by pushing off each step fully. If I could get away with it, I would climb two steps at a time. Hopping and jiggling is for descents.

Four flights up, I see the gorgeous woman from my lesbian dinner club waiting for the loo by the hair salon. I am out of breath from the effort of holding in my tummy and climbing. She doesn't see me so, thinking I could pass by and find her later when I can actually speak, I continue climbing.

"Rachel, is that you?" Zuts! I turn around. "Oh, hi," is my casually panting reply. "Wow! I almost didn't recognize you. Are you okay? You look pale." Pale? "I'm fine. Just meeting some friends ..." "Are you sure? You seem really out of breath. Maybe you should sit?" She indicates a bar stool.

Yes, offer me a seat but not in this context. "No, no, no. Please I'm fine. I rushed here from the metro. Where are you ..." A bathroom becomes free. She looks longingly at the open door, "Oh, I really have to pee. If you are okay ...?" "Really, I'm fine." Though, no doubt no longer pale, I can feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment. I throw her a weak smile as she closes the tall orange door.

I climb, find my friends, uneventfully consume pitchers and then head across the street for some Vietnamese. Just after I pay my dinner bill, I feel a tingling at the edge of my mouth. Argh! Stupid deadlines, work stress and me for not eating enough fruit and having not gone to yoga this week. Double argh! My Zovirax cream is at the office. I feign fatigue, beg off dancing and cab it back to work. It is after eleven and my security pass no longer works. The security guard is friendly but no doubt curious as to why I woke him up for what appears to be a small tube of facial cream. Wide awake, I mentally tally the evenings successes and failures as I sign out on the security roster.

Using the Adventure Scale (see panel on right hand side) ...

• Le Climb **
• gorgeous noted I was out of breath but did not wonder if I had an injured leg :)
• Conversation with women of interest *
• Dancing (nil)
  
• Evil herpes virus! :-(
• Drinks offered to me by women of interest (nil)
• Drinks offered by me to women of interest (nil)
• Pick ups (nil)
• New contacts (nil)

Rachel **

Lost Love

Lost Love

(From "In Memoriam")

I envy not in any moods
 The captive void of noble rage,
 The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods;

I envy not the beast that takes
 His license in the field of time,
 Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
 The heart that never plighted troth
 But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
 I feel it, when I sorrow most;
 ‘T is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

-- Alfred Lord Tennyson

Yep, it has been that kind of day.
Rachel (nil)

OMG

Earlier, in my facebook news feed the following item appeared:

"love of my life ex and former mutual friend are now engaged."

WTF! When the hell did this happen? She told me that she never ever ever wanted to get married. Outraged, but feigning a congratulatory tone, I sent her a message.

Subject: Engagement :)
Dear love of my life ex,

Wow! how exciting that you and former mutual friend are now engaged. I had no idea that you guys were so serious. When is the wedding? By the way how long have you been together?

curious,
Rachel

The reply ...

Subject: Re: Engagement :)
Rache!

So great to hear from you. I am really glad that you sound genuinely happy for us. Yes, former mutual friend popped the question on labor day but now we are telling everyone. I am so excited! We are going to have the wedding at the Lake. Hopefully your family will be up that weekend so you can enjoy the fireworks, too.

In terms of time line, I guess she and I have been off and on for the last year and a half.

love of your life ex

What! A year and a half? We only broke up a year ago. Women are evil.

Subject: Re: Re: Engagement :)
Dear love of my life ex

I'll let my brother's know - they love crashing weddings.

Rache.

Travel Bug

My flight to Dublin was delayed ... seemed like a good time to do my Spanish homework.

Dykoon es la más generosa mujer del mundo.
Gorgeous es la más hermosa de mis amigas.
Estoy la más dificil mujer del mundo ...

A soft voice whispered in my ear:

Eres la más divertida mujer en este aeropuerte

I started from my seat, looked over my shoulder to find little miss everywhere grinning from ear to ear. She has a nasty habit of appearing out of nowhere.

As way of explanation she began, "I was on my way to my gate and I spotted you bending over your workbook. Were you listening to music?" I shook my head. "Hmm ... looked like your head was bopping along to something." A comment I might have been embarrassed by if it hadn't been swiftly followed by the sneakiest of grins.

"What are you doing in Montreal?" "I was here for a day of meetings. Sadly no time for other distractions..." "Just one day?" "Yes, I'm based in New York at the moment but popped up here," she indicated with her arm the airport and beyond, "to sort out a few items." "Nice." Pause.

"How the heck did you recognize me?" All of our encounters had been rather brief. Most involved adventures which can only be described as a hard night out. "What with your clothes on?" I had to giggle. "I guess so." She winked. That was hot.

"Beer or ..." I followed her eyes as they trailed over to the women's washroom.

You decide.

Rachel ***** (though not local)

¿Hablas español?

¿Qué horas son, mi corazón?
Me gusta la cena, me gustas tú.
Me gusta la vecina, me gustas tú.
Me gusta su cocina, me gustas tú.
- Me gustas tú par Manu Chao

Everything is sexier in Spanish. Everything. I was on the bus today and overheard a woman essentially describing her job jar. Pretty boring stuff except she was describing it in español! Tengo que limpiar mi casa y comprar la comida ... I have to clean my house and buy groceries. But the way she moved her mouth! The rolling of her tongue on the erre's, the pursing of the lips, the passion of the pronounciation, all that and the hand gestures. ¡Qué rico! French may be the language of romance but, for me, Spanish is the language of sex.

According to statistics, the third most commonly spoken language in Montreal, after French and English, is Spanish. Every Saturday at Sky there is Latino night on the main floor. The drag show, the music, the dancing, the really hot women melding together in a salsa ... all in Spanish. A few nights at Sky this past summer was enough to have me signed up for a refresher class this fall. I started my Spanish class tonight.

As in most of the language classes I have taken, the majority of the students were women. I'd say that most are in their early to mid twenties with a handful either my age or older. A few had short hair but my gaydar was not picking up any signals until la profesora walked in. Oh my god, she is soooo cute! All Velma-esque in her little glasses and tight turtle neck. Though, an updated Velma with funkier hair and tight cords instead of a pleated skirt. Her cute little ass wiggled each time she wrote on the black board. I can already feel that I am going to be such a keener this year.

Hasta luego,

Rachel

Call for Auditions

This is the initial call for auditions of the Lead Femme role in a dramatic comedy in which the star, me, has already been chosen. If you are interested in reading for the part, please meet me at the bar on the lower terrace. Kindly form an orderly line ...

Wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could just hop up to the roof terrace at Le Drugstore after work on a Friday and make that announcement? There is always such a fine collection of yummy Montreal lesbians up there. Sadly for me, and for many of them, the women arrange themselves about tables with little to no mingling with others. Worse still, it is unfortunately hard to determine what is going on at these tables. Do they consist of single friends out on the pull or a complicated web of former and present lovers? Truth be told, a woman is more likely to be met by a series of blank stares than smiles when she finally crests the last of six flights to the top terrace. Assuming said woman receives any eye contact, that is. Zuts Alors!

When I visit Le Drug, as it is affectionately known, I usually end up sitting with my pals over a couple of pitchers before heading out for dinner in the Village. Of course, there is that initial limbo of finding them via a flurry of text messages - did I mention the lack of eye contact? - before the beer is poured. Invariably, all in all, a fun night. Lately, though, I am tiring of my coupled friends' smugness. Just because you are getting laid on a regular basis, or not getting laid on a regular basis, does not mean I need to hear your inane tips on how to pick someone up. Truly, it is as silly for those who are coupled to give advice on how to navigate the singles' scene as it is for the childless to give advice to parents. Please can it! I don't want to hear your clueless advice.

I have been single before, why do I feel the need to perform a thorough talent search now? Several reasons, I guess. It is getting cold up here in La Belle Province, the leaves are changing and, though, it is sunny today I know that soon the roof terrace will be piled high with snow. I prefer winters that involve snuggling with a lover in a cosy cabin over those that include standing in line feeling my ear lobes slowly freeze about my earrings. Also, can you hear that regular tick tock? I'm thirty five and my biological clock is getting so loud I am pricing egg freezing procedures. (To those curious, the cost is three pregnancies worth for about twelve thousand.) That is right, I'm feeling the pressure of both seasonal and biological restrictions. Great! Plus past heart breaks have taught me that though initially fun, long distance is not for me. Therefore, for my sanity and my wallet, this search is all about "location, location, location".

Perhaps my sad little tale has you wondering, "Le Drugstore can not be the only place to meet women? It isn't even an official lesbian bar!", and you would be right. There is more to the lesbian scene than the 5 a 7 I described above. Where it is and how to find it is what I am hoping to unravel for myself and describe to you in these humble posts.

So, all that to resoundingly say: I am currently auditioning local talent.

Rachel

Where the bent ladies hang

You may not find the love of your life here but there will be some queer eye candy for you to savour while sipping a latte. Plus, the food is generally good too.

Le Cagibi
5490 St. Laurent
Montreal, QC
514.509.119
Vegetarian café/ bar which also hosts shows. Head down in your mismatched socks to write poetry and overhear the clientele's nocturnal misadventures.


Chez José
173 Duluth East
514-845-0693
Not really gay, not completely vegetarian. Fabulous weekend brunches.

Café Santropol
3990 St-Urbain at Duluth
514-842-3110
Massive sandwiches, fair trade coffee and vegetarian options. Pretty busy at lunch time on the weekends. Last time I was there, I counted 10 girl-on-girl couples in various states of drama. Beautiful summer terrace in the back.

Aux Vivres
4631 Saint-Laurent Blvd.
514-842-3479
A sit down restaurant that serves organic vegan food. The vegan brunch is to die for! A popular place and depending on the time of day you go, you may be encouraged not to linger over your book. Outdoor terrace in the summer.

Check out my google maps in the side bar for more queer/ queer friendly cafes, night clubs and bars.

Rachel (nil)