Reality Check

Hey there!

As you may or may not have noticed, I haven't tapped away at my blog in the last little while. I've been on a self imposed leave of absence since I started feeling that tingling sensation in my finger tips which every frequent and rapid touch typist fears, yep nothing like a repetitive strain injury of the wrists to dampen my extracurricular electronic writing. I mean, what lesbian wants to run the risk of permanently destroying the sensation in her hands e.g. her sex organs? Not I!

Have I stopped attending events? Will I stop updating this blog? NO! I am just on a wee blogging and column writing hiatus. Also, to alleviate the stress on my hands I have handed off the updating of the Queerish Event Guide that I built to a couple of friends. Don't worry, the calender's URL has not changed. If you signed up for calendar notifications, you will continue to receive them by email or mobile text.

Enjoying the weather despite the smog :-)

xoxo
Rachel O. Esplanade
Queerish Event Guide

First day of class and I want some ...

EVERYONE is back to school today. Montreal's downtown core is hot, muggy and packed with lost looking undergrads. This years crop of baby dykes are soooo cute it took a conscious effort on my part to not join the veggie burger line snaking through the grass at the nearby back to school BBQ.

Back when I was an undergrad, and had long Farah Fawcette styled hair, I remember sitting in a circle of loosely acquainted frosh with our frosh leader, sunny, listening to every pearl of wisdom that parted her lips. I realise now that I had a major crush on sweet delicious sunny. My heart raced the first time I took in her short cropped hair, Birkenstocks and large reflective sunglasses. Of course, I had no idea why I wanted to be so close to her at the time, what that little shiver was when our hands brushed each other, why, when she slid off her sun glasses to level me with her sublime intense green eyes, I blushed, went for another beer and to sit with a boy across from her. Even more confusing to me, the next day, was why I made out with that guy later at Gert's when all I wanted to do was to put my elbows alongside sunny's at the bar. I was eighteen and she was twenty.

And so, remembering the clueless and confused me of eighteen, I decide to pass by the line of baby faced tattooed undergrads in their cut off jeans and asymmetrical hair cuts. "We are auditioning to find a package, not a project," I remind myself. Sure these women look out but they are still too young for me. I resolve to hold off on any attempts at academic pick ups until the Post-Graduate Students Society of McGill hold their queer month in October. I've even heard rumours that a drag show at Thomson House will be included in the festivities.

Hope to see you there.

xoxo
Rachel O. Esplanade
The Queerish Event Guide

ps Image copyright
Description: Charlie's Angels Season 2 DVD Cover Art.
Source: © 1976 Spelling-Goldberg Productions. All Rights Reserved

Pass the Pussy, Please: Honey Rider

Good morning loyal fans, lol!


My latest column has been posted on that lovely little online smut magazine Black Heart Magazine.

By Rachel O. Esplanade

"Until you lose your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is." - Margaret Mitchell ("Author of Gone With the Wind")

Recently, a friend asked me how she could maintain her "good" reputation. I wonder what that is like to want people to believe that you are "good"? In truth, I wonder even what a "good reputation" means. Does it mean that you only form monogamous ties? That you only sleep with people because you love them? Does "good" imply that you are "life partner" material? I know, I am looking for a life partner and at last check I still want one. However, I must admit that I seek a life partner with a rascally past. Ya know, some experience, already clued in to safe sex and with a few kinky ideas of their own to explore... their own handcuffs.

My buddy Dykoon advised me once to become the woman I wanted to date. For me that would be someone outgoing and suave who is also accomplished in their work, their dreams and their ability to express themselves sexually. In fact, for the last few years I have been trying to create a certain type of "good" reputation. That of an experienced lover who does not spill the beans. A kind of tame able player. I highly agree with the "Nerve's Guide to Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen" that by being a well behaved lady on the streets, I can then be a beast in the sheets.

This past July, I experienced my first full evening of slow dancing at the Slow Dance Night Fringe which took place as part of the St. Ambroise Fringe Festival at the Academy Club. The entire evening was an exercise in etiquette. How does one refuse interested gentlemen politely? and more importantly, accept being refused? With grace, of course! I discovered that it was important to maintain a pleasant stream of polite conversation while wrapping my arms around someone whom I just met's torso as Barry White crooned in the back ground. Most people are happy to discuss themselves and their lives. While dancing I met a science fiction writer, a bike mechanic, a dead doll dancer, a smut zine editor and a couple of drag kings. Sadly, though, no sparks romantic or otherwise. Ah well, maybe I'll have better luck at the next slow dance this October.

As for the rest of my summer, it was delightful. All those rainy days left plenty of room for playful lie ins. Sadly, though, my little daddy blue has returned to his parents' PEI basement for the semester and I have returned to the Internet dating fold. My forays on plentyoffish and craigslist have had such predictable outcomes I will not repeat them here. I have replenished my pussy party pack and am ready to hit the streets ... and hopefully a few sheets ;) But where shall I wander? Outspoken is on hiatus until the winter, and both the launch party for Lickety Split #7 and the autumn Meow Mix have no set dates. Some good news is that queer comic, and host to a number of queerish events, DeAnne Smith is back from Australia. In fact my research has discovered there are quite a few queerish events coming up in Montreal. As a result, I have taken the time to compile them into a public google calendar entitled "Montreal Queerish Event Guide". Anyone can view it but those of you with gmail accounts may also subscribe to text message alerts from it.

See you out there,
Rachel

xoxo
Rachel O. Esplanade
The Queerish Event Guide

G.B. Jones in Montreal

The fabulous Toronto based queer artist G.B. Jones will be exhibiting her work at La Centrale from August 8th until September 7th. Just click on this link to see the hot hot images that will make you attend the exhibit.

Location: La Centrale 4296 St. Laurent Blvd.
Là-bas
G.B. JONES (Toronto, ON)
Exhibit: August 8th to September 7th 2008
Opening: Friday, August 8th, 7pm
Artist talk: Saturday, August 9th, 3pm

xoxo
Rachel O. Esplanade
The Queerish Event Guide

Cruise Control has moved

Hey kiddos,

I'm posting this as the August Cruise Control should be taking place this Thursday. However, I have heard through the grape vine that due to issues with the regulars at Vinyl, Cruise Control has decided to move to Les PasSages which is located at 951 Rachel Est (corner of Mentana). I am not 100% sure if cruise control is happening this week, though. Anyway, if it is, have a look at this google map for location...


View Larger Map

xoxo
Rachel O. Esplanade
The Queerish Event Guide

w4w is 4w, not couples!

Remember slowlovin? I replied to her ad about a week ago? Well, we had a few more exchanges then a small period of radio silence. Imagine my surprise when I received this from her today...

Things have changed a bit for me. I am now part of a new couple actively seeking a submissive bi-sexual female to unite in a poly household. We are not looking for casual sex partners, we are serious about finding someone to build a long-term relationship with...

Stranger than fiction.
Rachel -* thinking that CL really is best used to sell furniture.
xoxo
Rachel O. Esplanade
The Queerish Event Guide

Pervers/ Cite

Hey there,

I just added as many Pervers/ Cite events that I could find out about to my events guide. These events look like loads of fun. Capture the Fag? Yes please!

Rachel
xoxo
Rachel O. Esplanade
The Queerish Event Guide

w4w

Hmmm ... I was honestly looking to sell some furniture when I stumbled into the women seeking women section of craigslist. Funny how the mind and fingers wander sometimes. Anyway, I saw this ad:

Hey women for women,

I am looking to meet a cool woman to hang out with. Acknowledge the spark but take it chill at the beginning then. Slowly build into a relationship. I like to take things long and languid ;-*

I'm not into threesomes or whatever but good luck to those who are. Just don't message me, please.

Thanks!
slowlovin

And responded ...

I saw your ad on craigslist and you sound like my cup of tea. I am a 36 year old lesbian from Montreal ...

you know the rest :)

Rachel


xoxo
Rachel O. Esplanade
The Queerish Event Guide

Ye olde network

Hey!

Yesterday, I went to the Pomme Pomme Fair at La Sala Rosa (I should seriously think about buying something closer to that venue - I have been there many many times over the last couple of weeks.) The performance space was transformed into a market consisting of a lovely little collection of cool crafts, hot zines, more than a few pins and tastey food including vegan truffles. Not queer per se, but fun and open and a great place to have found out about the following party in the Hen (St. Henri).

It's Raining Dykes Party, fête de lancement,
Date: Friday July 18 2008
Time: 8 pm to 3 am
Location: Ste. Emilie SkillShare (3942 Ste. Emilie)
Metro Place St. Henri

Rachel **

Knock Me Down, please!

A hot man in a sexy white and black dress, black leather high heeled boots MC ing hot women in fishnets racing around in order to knock each other and any beeramids in there way down while tattooed fans in neon cheered and hissed vociferously? Could it be anything but a Montreal Roller Derby hosted by Plastik Patrik?

If you were attempting to finish off your novel at the cagibi last night, I don't need to tell you that the Montreal Skidz on the Block beat Hamilton's Hammer City. That is unless you were wondering why so many neon clad people were congregated outside just after ten. Well, they were outside until someone stole a bottle of booze, took over the music and kicked off a shooter/ table top dancing party in the little cafe you had been looking for a muse in.

Rachel ***** (neon fishnets jam me all the way, baby!)

Next Roller Derby Bout
Season Championships
Location : Arena Saint-Louis (5633 St-Dominique)
Date: Saturday July 26
Doors: 7 pm
Bout: 7:30 ish

As listed in the
Rachel's Lady Queer Montreal Event Guide

Image details: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Beeramid.JPG

in the shallows

So ... what do you do when the online someone you have been exchanging increasingly intimate emails then chats with finally sends you their photo and the photo is not great. In fact, the photo is so not flattering it illicits a, "That is their best photo?" response. Is it appropriate to already be planning someone's makeover before the first face to face physical date? Probably not. However, I do feel that it would be completely shallow of me to all of a sudden break off contact and current date plans.

Maybe I can hang onto the hope that she sends a bad photo of herself to weed out the shallow people from her online potentials? Either way, I'm going in. Cover me!

Rachel *

xoxo
Rachel O. Esplanade
Rachel's Lady Queer Montreal Event Guide

Wowzers!

I returned to the Sala Rosa last night, love that venue!, for the July Meow Mix featuring Animal Crackers Eccentric Dancers from New York City!.

The show was beyond anything I had seen before. Tits and ass barely covers it, if you don't mind my cunning punning. The absolute highlight was Miss Saturn's Hula hooping. A close second was her Private Dancer cover during which the bikini clad Miss Saturn stated "I don't shave" while lying down with legs akimbo center stage to prove said point.

The only thing that wasn't as superb as other Meow Mixes was the post show DJing. Sometimes it sounded like an iPod on Shuffle. Without the "fade into next song" setting activated.

Next Meow Mix
Date: Sunday August 3rd 2008
Location: La Sala Rosa (4848 St-Laurent, Montreal, QC)
Doors at 9:30, show at 10:30, DJ at 11:30
$10

Featuring ... Dead Doll Dancers, the Dukes of Drag and more!

As listed in the
Rachel's Lady Queer Montreal Event Guide

Rachel *** (I need a deep sleep)

Fun and Games

Last night the Montreal based Lickety Split Smut Zine launched it's sixth issue, The Risk Issue, at La Sala Rosa on St. Laurent Blvd. The party was a blast! The Dead Doll Dancers were there to stir things up with their Kama Sutra game and Penelope Percacet's hot solo, there were games e.g. Twister, strip poker, spin the bottle ... and delightful live music. Oh, and the photo booth where you could enjoy the company of a friend and get photographed while doing so.

So, um, the spin the bottle table was hot. At the begining of the night, even after the delicious Dead Doll Dancer Cammy Mudflaps and the dapper Ian Poe Kerr were seen to exchange a tongue or two, the table was easy to approach. However, by midnight the large group of wouldst be kissers anxiously waiting for the bottle to give them a turn slowly took over the left side of the room. Resistance really is futile, I guess, as Lickety Splitters enjoying the show from vantage points near the table were slowly absorbed into the kissing circle without a struggle. The Photo Booth was getting some direct traffic from the Spin the Bottle Table, as well. Very hot and lovely to see everyone getting along so salaciously.

Next Lickety Split zine theme ... unknown. Next Launch party ... sometime this fall. Keep an eye on their blog.

Will definitely be at the spin the bottle table next time, too.
Rachel ***

Absolutely So Much Fun!

Last night I went to the Slow Dance Night at The Academy Club (see my google map for exact location) and had a complete blast. The event is not queer per se but there were quite a few queer women there to ask to dance, if you could get up the guts to. I also danced with some straight women and guys. In fact, making sure that I did not spend the night dancing with men gave me enough incentive to not be a wall flower and fill out my dance card with the people I wanted to dance with.

The music was soft enough for conversation to flow and I met quite a few new, to me, and interesting queer women. Quite a few were performers, perhaps because this slow dance was part of the fringe festival. It was also neat to discover who could slow dance or not. One of my friends referred to it as speed dating with a beat. I'm not sure about that, though, I have not bothered to look for the woman who trod on my feet on facebook. I guess I could venture that I auditioned ten women that night. Of those ten, only one caught my eye. Lucky me, she is the friend of a friend of a friend. Oh I love how small this city is, sometimes.

Rachel *** (taking it slow ;)

Montreal Queerish Event Guide

I am absolutely adoring the summer. They are so many queer events on in Montreal I have created a Google Calendar. See it below or access it by clicking on this link The Queerish Events Guide
Enjoy!
Rachel

My Lady Queer Google Maps

Hey!

I have created a few nifty Google Maps. I have embedded the one called Rachel's Lady Queer Montreal below. A list of all of my maps is available on the right and by clicking the maps tab in my google profile.

Enjoy!

Rachel O. Esplanade, forever at your service :)

View Larger Map

U Haul Alert

A good pal recently emailed me to let me know that she and the love of her life of three months are moving in together. This is not a surprise considering that:

1. Her smiling little face has not appeared on the roof terrace of Le Drugstore since the snow melted.
2. Our one-on-one Sunday brunches have become one-on-twos. (or two-on-twos when daddy blue tags along)
3. They are lesbians.

What is more surprising is that she sent me the following message no more than a week before she found her U Haul love.

My pals are always trying to set me up. What is this obsession that everyone must be in a couple? I guess they feel guilty complaining about their lovers if I'm single and, therefore, have no similar complaints :)

Ah well, if Spring isn't the season for reckless love and u haul abandon, which season is?

Rachel ***** (getting it ;)

shed 2

It has been almost two weeks since I began working out at the Y on a regular basis. And, yes, my crush on gym king will have me continue three times a week for awhile. However, today at lunch in the women's sauna I couldn't help but overhear two women with rippling shoulder muscles describe their intense workouts and equally intense crushes on their water polo coach. So instead of humiliating myself from under a bar bell I could have drowned while attempting to impress a hot coach at Contre Courant? Hmmm... barbell doesn't sound so bad after all. Water polo can wait a season.

Rachel ** (still turn red whenever I see the gym king :(

Pass the Pussy Please: Octopussy

Hello my friends,

My latest "Pass the Pussy Please" column at the delicious online smutty black heart magazine has been posted!

"I want you to wrap your cunt around my cock." Wow! Her words had me wet and my hips rocking immediately. Why is dirty talk so fucking sexy? Why does it turn me on so much to have her whisper "my cock" in my ear even if the cock in question is periwinkle blue? And how fucking hot is it that when I ask my young lover why she is rolling a condom onto said silicon member her simple reply is, "Because I want you to fuck me with it later." Sex is hot. Safe sex is hotter.

Recently, I have taken on the task of finding my true queer lady love amongst the thirty four thousand or so Montreal women who identify as bent. Of course, before the mythical "Big L Love" strikes me down, my quest will no doubt find me auditioning a number of women and, fingers crossed, a lot of pussy. Casual sex can be loads of fun but part of what makes it of no regrets fun for me is my not leaving anything more than happy memories behind. Likewise, I only want happy post fucking sensations in my vulve. I have no desire to experience stinging tingles that will send me squirming to my doctor's office.

A prevailing myth is that woman to woman contact is somehow immune to STIs. If you believe this, let me enlighten you: Bacteria and viruses do not care what your gender or sexual orientation is. So, knowing that more than a few women are ignorant in this regard, I decided to be a good non-gender specific scout and arrive well prepared to my third date with a lovely I had met at an Outspoken Montreal (http://www.outspokenmtl.com/) event last fall. To that end, I slipped my "pussy party pack" consisting of: Nitrile gloves, flavoured condoms, sachets of lube and a pair of shielded scissors into my satchel before heading out the door. FYI: The scissors are included to make dental dams from the condoms, so far my favourite method.

The date went splendidly! The whole evening, dinner, stopping for bagels, making out next to our cooling tea at her place in mile end, was steeped in sexual chemistry. Or at least it was until I asked my date to put a glove on the hand that was diving into my panties.

"But I want to feel you." I gave her a concise, somewhat breathless, safe sex chat and was severely turned off to hear her protest not only gloves but dental dams as well.

"I want to taste you. What are the chances?" After a few more attempts of convincing her, I got up, re-attired myself, collected up my party pack and was out the door. Thank god I have reached the stage in my life where my logic overrides my pheromones.

What a disappointment! I angrily stalked the two blocks east to St. Urbain and the 363 South stop. I checked the time. Hmm … having found myself fifteen minutes from the next scheduled bus and an hour from last call, I sent the following booty text to my young one: "I'd like to wrap my cunt around your periwinkle cock"

Just as I made out the bus at the stop lights one block north, my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. A soft voice inquired as to my whereabouts then asked if I would like to stop by Faggity Ass Fridays (http://www.headandhands.ca/index_en.php?0). Perhaps I could share a drink with her and her friends before selecting some gloves and condoms to share with her later?

The above column contains a couple of unintentional "teasers" in terms of events I have not blogged about. Not to get too deep into the non-erotic details of my life but my home desktop has been flaky of late e.g. freezing while a scary burning smell emanates from the power supply. Don't worry, though, my auditioning has continued on without the help of my computer. Once my computer is functioning properly again, I will update the blog with the details of my adventures with my hot young lover daddy blue and some less worthy participants on the queer ladies scene.

Until then, sit on a terrace and have a shandy for me.
Rachel ***** (daddy blue xxx)

shed :-(

I had my annual check up last week. By annual I mean full - pap, blood tests, breast exam and weight. (By the way, if you are sexually active be sure to get a pap a year.) Anyway, my doctor called me today and everything is fine. No STIs to mention (yeah!) and everything else is within the realm of normal except my body weight. Especially as the extra I'm carry around is concentrated in my belly. Apparently my reacquired taste for bird's custard - what is cosier in the winter than a bowl of hot custard? - has hovered me back into the danger zone since my last check up. "Just shed five pounds". They always make it sound so easy.

However, it occured to me that working out may be a great way to casually meet women. "Can you spot me?" It worked for the guys on Queer as Folk, how different could it be for women in Montreal? lol! I signed up at the downtown YMCA, which cost a chunk of change, in order to investigate.

Rachel ***(anything for the cause!)

Best Women's Erotica

It's almost May and therefore time to polish off your submission(s) to Best Women's Erotica which are due May 1, 2008.
Happy Tapping,
Rachel (***** polishing off stories that kept me warm throughout the winter).

Spring Summer SUN

It is so gorgeous and sunny in Montreal today! Thirteen degrees now and an expected twenty degrees this afternoon. It is not even ten in the morning and I already want to be on the roof terrace at Le Drugstore. After so much snow it is so wonderful to be able to go outside with out a jacket and soak up rays on my coffee break. By the way, my apologies for all my posts containing winter complaints but it really was too much then but who cares now le soleil est arrivé! :)

I am beyond horny. But everyone else seems to be, too. A guy winked at me on the metro after we caught each other checking out the same woman's ass. Oops! blush, giggle!

I really need to get laid.

Rachel

Tonight April 18
Faggity Ass Fridays
Main Hall, 5390 St-Laurent Blvd
Clothing Swap starts at 8 pm. Party at 10 pm.
$5++

Tomorrow April 19
Meow Mix, Fundraiser for Project 10
Sala Rossa, 4848 St-Laurent
Doors at 9:30
Spectacle - 10:30
DJs at 11:30 (2 teams from Cruise Controle)
$10

Um ... what?!

This morning I woke up to a news report on the radio that part of the Port of Montreal still remains contaminated five years after a toxic spill of more than a million litres of paraxylene. Paraxylene (or para-xylene) has been known to cause cancer in lab animals and is listed by Breast Cancer Action Montreal as a toxic carcinogen in cleaning products. Great.

Rachel (* ticked at Andre Boisclair who was the environment minister at the time of the spill)

Pussy Party Pack

A recently posted safe sex interview at the nouveau*queer online magazine, has inspired me to put together a Pussy Party Pack to carry with me at all times. (It is Spring! :)

Pussy Party Pack contents :

• Nitrile gloves (6)
• Flavoured Condoms (6)
• sachets of water based lube (6)
• pair of sheathed scissors (for cutting gloves or condoms into dental dams)

And it all fits into my pink metal Hello Kitty pencil box from elementary school. See, somethings are worth hanging on to!

Play safe,
Rachel (*** inspired)

Lesbian Phone Sex - tee hee!

Spring has Sprung!

Spring has finally come and it is time for some Spring Cleaning. Longer days have bright sunshine revealing the dust bunnies well into the evening, the dustiness of the magazines on my floor and the nasty looking build up of grime in my bathtub. Time to tidy up and rid my place of its winter residue for both my comfort and to make an impression on any overnight guests. Likewise, a good time to replace some bras, acquire fresh panties and trim my bush down to a navigable length.

Lately, though, I've been thinking a bit about some other accumulated clutter I need to eliminate. Some misconceptions I need to discard from my body and brain. I am trying to release myself from traditional views on relationships. I know, I know, I've been telling every one and their mother that I am looking for someone to settle down and have babies with. And I am, really, still but um ... that was last autumn and now it is spring, a spring after a very long cold winter - is it over, it is snowing as I write this in April! - and everyone looks so tasty. Literally, the women look delicious. I carefully choose which distractions to sit near while I write in cafes as writing erotica at home, with my bed and vibrator nearby, is currently not an option. So I am out and about. Looking. Admiring. And thinking maybe that Spring is the time for fun and not for restricting myself to one.

But what are my options? I review my copy of The Ethical Slut and am thoroughly shocked with this statement on page 49 concerning woman on woman sex:

"Think of all the fun you can have with never a worry about pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases!"

Yowsers! What an ignorant myth. Do women actually believe this? That because they are sleeping with other women they don't have to worry about safe sex? WHAT! Trust me fair readers, bacteria and viruses don't care what your gender or orientation is.

Rachel (* in shock)

Cruise controlled

Sometimes I like to go out and play with the cool kids at Cruise Control. Apparently, this party has been happening on the first Thursday of the month for over a year. Hilariously, last night I overheard that cruise control "used to be so much better" as a few cruisers bemoaned the "Queer McGill" invasion. Queer McGill? Oh dear, how completely ridiculous for me to be in a room with so many asymmetrical hair cuts and mismatched socks. And the young owners of said ... well, they could actually be my kids if my reproductive organs hadn't happily remained unfertilized during my misbehaving younger years.

I've heard all those complaints about "kids today", where are we at now Generation Z?, but I find that at these younger nights, e.g. Cruise Control and Faggity Ass Fridays, people tend to be polite, friendly and fun. So, does it matter that I'm more than a decade older than most of them? Does it matter that they include fancy terms like "gender presentation" when complimenting my ties? At least they are up dancing. Anyway, maybe I'd feel a bit odd picking up a 19 year old but I figure that in a decade or so I would definitely be well too old for that. Besides I'm there to party not to find a life partner.

Tonight, however, is a different story. It is one degree, the snow is falling in moist wet flakes and I've got my swim suit in my bag ready for the village tonight. Nope, the Sky Complex's roof terrace jacuzzi is not open, I've been invited to a sauna party. Enough said.

Play safe!
Rachel

Cruise Control's clever facebook profile/ "market-cha-ching":

vinyl
2109 de bleury (coin sherbrooke)
NO COVER

Queer Dance Party and we mean it.
Bring everyone you know and then bring
the people you don't know, as long as
they know that:

Cruising Is Serious Business

Cruise. Dance. Drink.

Note to self ...

Dear Rachel,

While at your day job, please refrain from printing rough drafts of your erotica on the networked printer. Though few know the connection between yourself and your pseudonym, you happen to be the most visibly queer woman in the office.

Thanks!
Rachel

Forever distractedly multitasking, I inadvertently sent a draft of some smut I am working on to the "far away" printer at the opposite end of my floor. Unfortunately, I only realised what I had done when I went to pick up my print job at the closer printer.

Shock horror, when a flustered I returned to my office to find the "draft" on my chair. A wee note attached to it read, "This printed between two copies of my report. Lucky me :)"

May the ground open up and swallow me whole.
Rachel

hmm...

Not sure how this one sits with me but beautiful's ex just called me to reschedule our blind date. Her excuse was good but ... well, it sounded a bit scripted. Anyway, we are on for next Saturday instead.

Rachel ** (wondering)

Promises Sweet Promises ...

Beautiful has delivered! This Saturday I am to meet beautiful's monogamy inclined ex for a stroll on the mountain and some hot chocolate at the look out. I am actually quite impressed that beautiful was able to coordinate this date. I don't know if I could be so ... open at arranging blind dates for my exes. Maybe she truely just wants us to have a good time.

I'm a bit nervous excited. A blind date! tee hee
Rachel.

Best Lesbian Erotica (BLE)

Hello my little friends,

As you know, I like to write smut. However, I certainly like to read it, too. Especially well written, "wow, who would have thought of doing that?" stories. Please submit your naughty stories. Please, please, please. Then let me know where, when and, I suppose, whom. Plus, depending on where it gets published, you may make some cold hard cash.

Your smut for "Best Lesbian Erotica Anthology" is due April 1, 2008. For more details see the cleis press submissions page

Other calls for queer erotic submissions may be found at www.queerwriters.com

Happy tapping :)
Rachel (*** writing furiously and doing her best to work out the kinks ;)

Shut ins

It snowed Saturday. It snowed a lot Saturday. So much so that I cursed the nostalgic architect who had incorporated a winding outdoor metal staircase to the entrance of my second floor condo. I guess as I was too busy rediscovering said stairwell, the bottom five steps were lost in snow, I didn't hear my phone ring. Then again, maybe that's good. I don't want little miss everywhere to think that I am at her beck and call whenever she has a lay over in Montreal. The message:

"Hey there, it's me. I'm at the Opus wondering if you would like to pop round for an Oban or two? I have one here right now just sitting with the rocks on the side waiting for a drop of water to open it up. Text me."

The response a decent two hours later ...
Rachel *****
PS I know I'm weak

Tempted, NOT!

Should've known better than to cheat a friend
and waste the chance that I've been given
so I'm never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you
-- George Michael, Careless Whisper

Argh! Why did I foolishly stray from Faggity Ass Fridays? Temptations was $25, $7 a decent drink ($6.50 for two beers). The music was soo loud the only people I could hear without effort were the women exhibiting drama in the bathroom. Thank god I have fabulous friends to attend these events with. You know you are with good people when you end up dancing and laughing in an overpriced hallway with them.

And yes, it was the same venue as Bring Your Own Lesbian e.g. the reception area of a theatre. BYOL was as pricey but, as I mentioned in a previous post, I left soon after I arrived at Bring Your Own Lesbian so my perspective was no doubt clouded.

Then again, last night I enjoyed witnessing a gaggle of lycra wearing women dance about broken beer bottles and show off their g strings to each other. Anyway, if you are into slim just legal femmes, Temptations is the place for you. I'll be at the Main Hall...

Rachel ** (working on the criteria)

Where "it's" at

You all need to know about the Edgy Women's festival which is happening NOW until the 16th. In particular, you need to know that Dayna McLeod's oeuvre Hot Hot Gossip will be performed Friday March 14th at 7pm at Studio 303. Dayna is hilarious. The first time I met her, I pulled a sex toy out of her pierced beaver. She was performing in a beaver costume with a pierced ... beaver at a fundraiser in what was then Le Swimming. Anyway, Dayna, and the other mad performers made a lasting impression on my bud dykoon who insists she loves Montreal.

If partying rather than watching others perform is your thing ...
TEMPTATIONS PARTY
L’Olympia de Montréal
1004, rue Ste-Catherine Est
March 7, 2008 11 pm to 3 am
$25

or
Faggity Ass Fridays
(of course :)
10pm Main Hall
This week you can show up early for workshops and stick around after to get your groove on for sex education! Workshops start at 6 pm.
10$/PWYC for the workshops, awesome porn and lots of dancing
or
5$/PWYC for awesome porn and lots of dancing

Enjoy!
Rachel ***

Ah, beautiful

Oh what's love got to do with it?
What's love but a second hand emotion?
What's love got to do with it?
Who needs a heart
When a Heart can be broken?
-- Tina Turner

If you assumed that I have been too busy holed up with beautiful to write, you would be half right. I was blissfully entangled in beautiful's lovely limbs and sheets for the latter part of last month. But, ah sigh, what a shame I can't wrap my brain around sharing a lover as easily as I can wrap a scarf about a bed post and willing wrists.

I know, "sharing is caring". I have read the Ethical Slut, I even took notes. For some of my friends, open relationships are the only option. But at this state in my game, I know that I can't pull them off. I have tried many, many a time to open my mind and always produce the same result. Evil icy stabs of jealousy warp my good natured personality into a nagging, pouty bitch. Green just ain't my colour. So, very sadly, the married beautiful and I have had to part ways. Or at least, stop being lays.

Randomly, beautiful, after being sufficiently sad that we were ending our naked sessions, has been very understanding concerning my restrictive dating practices. So much so that she is setting me up on a blind date with a monogamy inclined ex lover of hers. Wonders never cease.

Rachel **

By the way, the Montreal Highlights Festival is on. Check this one out:
Passion: an evening of love stories and naughty tales.
Théâtre de l’Esquisse
1650, Marie-Anne Street E.
Donation ... $10

Dead to me!

Hello there my dear friends,

For those of you who remembered that today is my birthday, a birthday that only comes round every four years, thank you for your well wishes and please navigate on to the next post...

For the forgetful rest of you, especially those who have had the pleasure of pleasuring me, this is just a quick note to let you know that you are dead to me. In this age of twitter, wall posts, text messages, emails, birthday alarm clock, telephones (remember them?) etc. etc. how could you forget? It only comes round once every FOUR years! Dead to me, sweetie, you are dead to me. Don't call. Nope. It's done.

Rachel :-P
PS I LOVE my birthday :)

"Pass the Pussy Please"

Hey You,
Guess what? I am now distilling my adventures into a regular bi monthly column entitled Pass the Pussy Please for blackheartmagazine.com. Begin the begin ...

Pass the Pussy, Please: Pussy Galore
By Rachel O. Esplanade
The only reason I am queer is because I love to eat pussy. It is absolutely my most favourite thing to do in the whole wide world. So simple, my desire to explore the ruby fruit jungle drives my queerness and all the other sexual pleasures are icing. Lovely very good, tasty yummy, icing but the cake ah the cake!

But where does that leave me in Montreal? Where can I find the local pussy I like to please? Also, as much as I like to eat pussy I'm really looking for one to enjoy on a regular basis. Ya know, in one of those long term monogamy type things that I've heard so much about. Based on that and my age, I have set my search criteria to be "a single queer woman between the ages of 25 and 45 in the city of Montreal proper." According to my calculations, there are approximately thirty four thousand women who meet my criteria. That's a lot of women! Fortunately, I am always up for a challenge but where to begin?

Since August, and with the tenacity of the wooden spoons guy outside of Ogilvy's, I have been making a concerted effort to meet all thirty four thousand: I juggle several online dating profiles, am a regular at Kitty Cat Klub and Chouettes Coquette events, volunteered at image + nation, have been to every meow mix, most Faggity Ass Fridays and, when nothing else is on, am in the Village. Short of crashing vegan pot lucks posted on facebook, if I hear of a queer woman event, I'll be there. As a result, I have been on a handful of dates, had two decent shags but, sadly, no pangs of "Big L Love". Mind you, I am having a brilliant time enjoying my freedom and all the winks and flirts that accompany it.

Recently, I met a very sexy woman at the "Self Love Meow Mix", which was packed to the rafters with hot women. This lovely had eyes the colour of the Mediterranean sea, light green speckled with gold. A cute tweedy cap perched atop her onyx locks which tumbled in loose curls to her shoulders. The dark colour of her hair lay in sweet contrast to the paleness of her complexion, accenting high cheekbones, the cutest little nose and her full red lips. Beautiful. What a shame that after some light conversation, I invited her to an event the following Thursday.

"I can't go out during the week"

"That's too bad. Do you have to get up early for work?"

"Well, it's more that I, like, work with retards."

Inwardly cringing but secretly hoping she was referring to some office mates I asked, "Oh, can they tell if you have had a late night at the water cooler?"

"No, silly, I really work with retards. Once when I was hung over I lost one of them."

Hmmm… sleeping with someone capable of losing one of her intellectually challenged charges? I wasn't going there. I guess that makes it thirty four thousand minus one.

Enjoy!
Rachel (***)

PS by bi monthly I mean every other month, not every bisexual month I experience ... though that would be an interesting column in itself.

You've got my number

Two nights ago I went to the Bring Your Own Lesbian party. This is the second year that the event has been held and I hope that they do it again next year because I was not actually there for a very long time. Mind you, the amount of time required for me to leave with what I wanted is perhaps more indicative of how fabulously I enjoyed myself there.

What was interesting was the variation on a game I used to play at the Fetish Cafe back when they hosted Polyvalente nights. Each guest was given a sticker with a number to be placed in a visible spot. If you spotted a "number" that you liked, a message could be sent to them by dropping a note off at a silver tray held by a classily dressed women. Upon receiving a note, a heart containing your number would pulsate on a large screen and you could pick it up from the post mistress.

Imagine my surprise to see my number flash on the screen before I'd had a chance to have a proper look around. I swung by the post office on my way to the bar. After ordering a g & t, I read the message.

"Remember me? <} #247"

Hmmm ... my coupled friends and I were intrigued. Could the author be a past fling, jilted lover or one of my buds playing a trick? Casually, I scanned the crowd for little miss everywhere but to no avail. Encouraged by my pals, I decided to take a wee tour in search of #247. It didn't take long. I turned from the bar and headed to the balcony stairs in hopes that the balcony would provide a better vantage point. On my way up, a hand touched my arm.

"Hi."

Hello! Amber eyes, thick black hair cropped short, copper skin, beautiful smile. I mustered some calm. "Hi there," I checked her chest, "number 247." An awkward pause followed.

She smiled mischievously. "You don't remember me, do you?"

I emphatically replied, "Please refresh my memory."

She informed me of her given name and reminded me of our time spent in the ladies washroom at Cabaret Mado. Wow! Beautiful remained as hot as ever but had certainly ratched up the dyke o meter since our first encounter. This new look suited her to a tee. Tight black jeans, black vest over black shirt exploding with curves, white tie with matching suspenders and a small diamond stud in her left ear. Was that male cologne? Hot!

The sequence of events are a bit blurry now but we left immediately and grabbed a cab to mine. What I do clearly remember is that her perfectly manicured hands were opening up her lips before her panties hit the floor.

Rachel *****

Criteria 3: $

Money it's a crime
Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie
Money so they say
Is the root of all evil today
-- Pink Floyd

Oh evil, evil legal tender. Something that may appear irrelevant at the beginning of a connection but has to be considered.

• 5 for Same: She pays for dinner one night and I respond in kind the following. Equal can be boring in some criteria but in $ it is ideal
• 4 for More: Finding a hot sugar mama who can afford to finance my naughty writing career is a f**king dream. As long as they are cool about it. Who has the most money should not render that person in control
• 3 for Less: Takes some care. I don't want to be paying their rent nor extending them beyond their means.
• (variations)
• And the zero goes to: Much, much more and flaunts: Perhaps I should add "Crass nouveau riches types need not apply" to my initial call ...

Self Love

Last night's "Self Love Meow Mix" hosted by Dukes of Drag was packed to the rafters with hot women and John Cussack (random, but seriously he was there). By all accounts Dukes of Drag, formerly known as King Size Montreal, performed their best show and the post show music spun by DJ Marie-H.B was awesome! People were dancing right up until the lights glared on at 3 am.

At a break from dancing like it was 1999, I spotted a very sexy woman at the bar. This lovely had eyes the colour of the Mediterranean Sea, light green speckled with gold. A cute tweedy cap perched atop her onyx locks, which tumbled in loose curls to her shoulders. The dark colour of her hair lay in sweet contrast to the paleness of her complexion, accenting high cheekbones, the cutest little nose and her full red lips. Beautiful. What a shame that after some light conversation, I invited her to an event the following Thursday.
"I can't go out during the week."
"That's too bad." Feigning nonchalance I inquired, "Do you have to get up early for work?"
"Well, it's more that I, like, work with retards."
Please not the "R" word! Inwardly cringing but secretly hoping she was referring to some office mates I asked, "Oh, can they tell if you have had a late night at the water cooler?"
"No, silly, I really work with retards. Once when I was hung-over I lost one of them!"
Hmmm… sleeping with someone capable of losing one of her intellectually-challenged charges? I wasn't going there. I guess that makes it 34,000 minus one. I suppose I should keep a running tab somewhere on this page.

Rachel (* - some things are best left unsaid :)

Criteria 2: Conversation

Walk this way
-- Aerosmith

More criteria for your reading pleasure ... and for my focus.

Remember: 5 is the best, 1 the worst and any 0 score in any criteria renders the auditionee off the call back list.

• In first place for five points: Back and Forth. A conversation! Questions asked, questions answered. Witty repartee? Even better.
• In second place with four points: Chatty great at a party but on a date? Enthusiastic monologues concerning their passions interspersed with questions towards the other datee (me). Egocentric or awkward? Hard to tell. Second date may be required.
  
• Three for three: Quiet.Will respond to direct questions in sentences. Skeletons to hide?
• One point: None. Really shy? Foreign language? Call back depends on non verbal queues.
• Zero (nil - off the list) Over chat. I'm pretty chatty. If someone can over chat me, nightmare. Suivante/ Next.

Criteria 1: Style

Okay, now that I have declared my intention to audition over thirty four thousand women, I feel maybe that I should inform you that I do have some criteria to wittle that number down with.

The first one, because I'm me, is Style.
Oh, wait, here is the deal - each criteria gets broken down into levels. A given woman's level is scored e.g. points are earned. The higher the score the better. If the woman in question, the auditionee, receives zero points in any given category regardless of what they earned in other categories, they are rendered off the list. Anything else ... well, perhaps it can be folded into an average or something.

So here we go: STYLE

• High - 5: Wow! Walks in a room and a dozen people ask "Where did you get that?" Cutting edge. Maybe designs and makes her own.
• Clear - 4: Clothes that fit and accentuate her body. Maybe labels but not necessarily.
• Semblance - 3: Something is happening here. I'm not sure what, and nor is she, but that T-shirt goes with those socks somehow.
• Lack - 2: Clean slate! Depending on my energy levels this could be fun :)
• Overtly Bad - 0 (off the list)

The Stats

Knowing is half the battle
-- G.I. Joe

As any decent project manager will inform you, it is important to define a project's scope and goals before breaking down project tasks into actions. The scope for Get Rachel Laid: 2008 is:

Scope: Meet and shag a single queer woman between the ages of 25 and 45 in the city of Montreal proper.

Just so you know, I won't be expanding my search to the Montreal Census Metropolitan Area (CMA). I am an urbanite who will not be moving from the downtown core therefore, sadly, I will be leaving the suburbanites to play amongst themselves. I almost used the term "Queer identified" in my scope but how a woman identifies her sexuality is irrelevant to me. I am honestly not concerned as to who a woman has been with past or future as long as they are exclusively with me in the present. And exclusivity only occurs after the "hey, we've been sleeping together for three months, want to be my main squeeze?" conversation.

So what does setting the above scope mean? What is the probability of my meeting a queer woman who meets the above criteria? Unfortunately, Census Canada did not have that demographic neatly calculated in a chart for me. However, using data from the 2006 Census, and my calculations as outlined below, I have determined that 68,797 potentially queer women exist on this island who fit my above criteria. From this group, I'd imagine that about half are in some form of long term or otherwise complicated relationship which effectively renders them "Unavailable" to me and reduces the above number to about 34 thousand. Still promising.

Now where the hell are they?

Yours and mine to discover :)

Rachel (** hopeful)

Calculations
Population of Women 25 to 44: 254, 805

Total Female population 15 years and older: 720,100
-> In a common-law relationship: 90,675 (13%)
-> Never married: 306,065 (43%)
-> Legally Separated: 20,855 (3%)
-> Divorced: 81,445(11%)
-> Widowed: 75,425 (10%)

For me single means not legally married and not in a common-law relationship so:
% Single Women =
Never Married (43%)
+ Legally Separated (3%)
+ Divorced (11%)
+ Widowed (10%)
- Common-law (13%)
= 54%

Now, and here is the big leap of faith, assuming that the percentage calculated above can be applied to the female population within the age ranges 25 and 44, the number of single women between 25 and 44 in Montreal is:
254, 805 * 54% = 137, 595 women

Wow! over a hundred thousand. Nice.

According to the Kinsey scale approximately half of those women would meet my needs, as in they are at least equally homosexual and heterosexual, which brings the above number down to:
137, 595 * 50% = 68,797 potentially queer single women living on the island of Montreal.

Taking the above number and dividing it by the "lesbian drama quotient" (50% chance) let's say: 34, 398 women fit my scope

Right on!

More whoop dee do

If you decided to stay in last night instead of attending DeAnne Smith's Stand up/ Strip Down at Theatre Ste. Catherine, you missed out on a fabulous queer night out. Smith hosted and headlined her own benefit show. Proceeds of which will pay for her trip to Australia where she will perform in the Adelaide and Sydney comedy festivals. The predominately queer crowd was treated to "ha ha's and ta ta's" including the tantalizing pelvic gyrations of Rod Screwheart and the messy near naked grape eating of Seska Lee.

Some women in the crowd were particularly hot. In fact, depending on your personal ideal of queer female hotness, there was enough eye candy there last night to fit most bills e.g. slender femmes, love handled tomboys, baby faced butches and slim tie wearing androgynous wonders. If your genderqueer attractions are not limited to those who identify as female, there was a fine selection of trannie bois to similarily titilate.

Tonight and every Friday!
Faggity Ass Fridays
Main Hall
5390 St-Laurent
11 pm
by donation (proceeds go to Head in Hands.)

What the frack?

I watched the new CBC drama "The Border" last night. Yes, thanks to the writers' strike, I am reduced to watching CBC shows where the "Latin American" female character has a French Canadian accent. I think she was reaching for a generalized South American one but over extended herself, hit both poles and ended up back in Canada. Also distracting was the complete extroversion of the "geek" guy on the show. Worse still this geek used, "fracking" in a sentence. What? That's a Battle Star Galactica fake f**k. Or perhaps that was actually clever... Regardless, a girl needs something to iron to and, I suppose, the show did suck me in as I did over starch a collar or two.

There are a number of Capricorns in my life so this past week was spent at mainly straight birthday parties. As a result, I'm a little stir crazy but I have to say, it's a good idea to have those steadfast climbing goats on one's side. One of them has even helped me set up a "Get Rachel Laid: 2008" project plan. We have set the scope and mapped out a few targets for the first quarter including "Improvement of the Bring on the Women Feng Shui" chez moi. Lucky for me, I was recently given a lovely print of two women going for it. It looks very well in my bedroom and who knows, maybe I'll meet a delightful someone at Stand Up/Strip Down to show it off to.

Rachel (nil - too busy feng shui-ing to head out in the cold)

Stand Up/Strip Down
Thursday, January 24, 2008

8:30pm - 10:30pm

Theatre St. Catherine
264 St. Catherine E
$10

The Return of the Tartan Traveler

YES! I am soooo stoked. My buddy tartan traveler is moving to Montreal in April! The tartan traveler is a charmingly cosmopolitan international lady lover who successfully uses her Glaswegian accent and sassy smile to attract hot queer women. I dream that she will start up a monthly Bent Lady's cocktail hour akin to the one she hosts on the West Coast. I am fully confident that the tartan traveler will be able to flush Montreal lady queers out of hiding and back onto the scene. Sweet. Bring on the haggis!

In other news, PoF (plentyoffish.com) has tossed up a couple more offerings for me. Even better, successful phone calls have confirmed to me that they are both women.

Rachel ***

Chat-a-thon

Avoid talking about personal things such as financial problems, health issues, or stories about your dysfunctional family. In most cases, these things are best left unsaid.
- Online Dating Tips Appropriate Communication

When I arrived home from work today, I was all excitement. I had received a message including phone number from on and on and on via PoF earlier this week. After a few more pings back and forth we agreed to have a phone date tonight. How exciting, a real phone number and, when I called, a real voice! Bravely I ventured, "Hi, it's me {PoF user name here} aka Rachel."
"Hello. finallywegettotalkimsogladijustgotinfrommyjobidontlikeitsomuch ..."

And she was off. I'm a fairly chatty person but, wow, her chatter level was well beyond anything I have encountered before. After a few attempts to interrupt her verbal stream, my excitement at being on the phone with a real live woman began to wane. There were no pauses, even for a breath. Did this woman have gills? How was she breathing? And, good lord, did I really need to know that she was late on her rent and had accidentally(!?) slept with her boss? Oh, evil, evil logorrhea! Finally, after half an hour or so and several attempts to join the "conversation", I feigned that the battery of my phone was dying and signed off.

Why did she have to be so cute in her photos? Would it be possible to sleep with her without listening? Not really a good plan. Not even a good evil plan. I've been with lawyers. It's hard to get them to shut up and sleep. Ah well, some things are best left unsaid, some people left unbed.

Rachel (* - at least I was able to hang up!)

No longer so sanguine

I was just thinking about yesterday, the preparations I took before heading out to Chez Jose, the time to travel etc. and it occurred to me that I went through a lot of plucking for not even a hint of f--king. I will definitely require a phone call before setting up a meeting with an online someone next time. What was I thinking? Silly me. I must be more careful both with my time and my safety.

Rachel (nil)

Naked Ladies

After being stood up yesterday afternoon, I felt the need to brave the again seasonal (read frigid!) weather and wander out amongst my people. What could fit the bill better than the The Coquettish Comedy Cabaret at La Sala Rossa as presented by V Day McGill?

Of course, being me, I was late and missed securing a decent seat before the curtains went up at 8:35. I decided to stand at the bar, sip a Jamie on the rocks, enjoy the show and scope out the crowd. Some of the acts were good, some were better and some excellent.

I was fully absorbed in the delightful Miss Sugarpuss', swoon, performance when a just audible voice inquired, "Rachel? Is that you?" It was certainly me but who would dare to disturb me during a Burlesque act? Could it have been anyone else other than the ever gorgeous?

"Hey, gorgeous? Nice to see you." Two cheek kiss. "What a pleasant surprise!" And it was. I hadn't seen gorgeous since, well, since she hadn't called me to thank me for taking her to the botanical gardens. F word, indeed.

"It has been awhile. I felt shy to call you after the last time we spoke." I quickly attempted to defuse what I sensed would be a litany of excuses. "No need to apologise. Really, I assumed you were busy," but she ignored my good will in order to launch into a complicated explanation regardless. As beautiful as gorgeous is, it was hard to prevent my eyes from straying back to the striptease during her sincere whispers until the following statement broke through to my consciousness, "... and that is how smooth-movin' and I got together." What?! So much for needing a break from romantic entanglements. Ah, the hypocrisy of deep like.

As if on queue, smooth-movin' appeared, with a hand quickly and possessively placed on gorgeous' waist, to wonder why gorgeous was taking so long with the drink orders. Minor bickering ensued following which I was asked to join them at their table near the front. Why not? Being more cautious of late, I did double check for wonderful's presence at said table before agreeing to lift my elbows from the bar.

Rachel **

P.S. Finally heard word of when and where the next meow mix will be happening:

Self Love (Meow Mix)

Saturday, February 9th
Sala Rossa
4848 St. Laurent
$10

All by myself ...

When you choose to meet off-line, always tell a friend where you are going and when you will return. Leave your date’s name and telephone number with your friend. Never arrange for your date to pick you up at home. Provide your own transportation, meet in a public place at a time with many people around (a familiar restaurant or coffee shop is often a good choice)

-Match.com Safety Tip #8 Meet in a Safe Place

Today, I called wildernessnurse's bluff and she was a no show. To be honest, even as I left downtown to head to the Plateau, I doubted she would appear. I mean, things were a little weird in that last chat. She flashed me. Was this a real woman who had been in a sexy photo shoot or a man with keen flat bed scanning capabilities? Or, was it one of my brothers teaching me a lesson about Internet dating? The last option being the scariest!

After half an hour of reading and earning a decent caffeine buzz, I realised that wildernessnurse had blown me off in the non enjoyable way. Well, nothing like being stood up to clearly indicate that someone is just not that into you! I did have a lovely time reading my novel, though. It has been a while since I was in Chez Jose. I had forgotten how lovely and relaxed it is there. In fact, I had forgotten how much I enjoy sipping cafe lattes on Duluth. Also, Chez Jose seems to attract the kind of sexy clientèle I appreciate. Women in scarves, heavy sweaters, short skirts, tights and heavy boots. Yummy.

Internet dating has still to win me over but rediscovering tasty, bent lady hot spots has to be worth a few stars.

Rachel ***

Upcoming Events: Jan 11 - Jan 18 2008

V-Day McGill Presents The Coquettish Comedy Cabaret: An Evening of Song, Dance and Humour
Sala Rossa - 4848 St. Laurent (Between Villeneuve and St. Joseph)
Sunday, January 13th
Doors at 8:00 PM, Show at 8:30 PM
$6 for Students/Seniors and $8 for Adults

Outspoken January Networking Meeting
Gotha Salon Bar
1641 rue Amherst
Tuesday, January 15
6:30 pm - 9:30 pm
Free :)

The Heavy Petting Zoo by Bad Taste Burlesque
Cabaret Cleopatre
1230 St Laurent
Friday, January 18
514 871-8065
Time?
Price?

Yowzers

These last couple of days have involved mildly distracting msn chats with the wildernessnurse. I am to meet her this Sunday afternoon at three but she wants to call me tomorrow afternoon at four. I gave her my cell number (it is unlisted and I can block her) and she msn flashed me with a photo of her kneeling on the bed naked. I just caught it! Mon dieu. French women are WOW! I no longer care if they write in all caps.

But ... I made sure to meet her in a very public cafe. I am too cautious to let certain comments from our little chats slide. First of all, if she is a nurse who lives an hour out of town, why did she list her location as Montreal? How come the photos she has shown me, agreeably in an increasing state of undress, all occur in the same clothes, same lighting, same bedroom? Could these be scanned in images from a porn mag? Could wildernessnurse be a man trying to lure me into sending him naked photos and engaging in hot lesbian online sex? Will a wildernessnurse appear on Sunday or will I have a lovely afternoon reading my book uninterrupted? I'll let you know.

Rachel ****(?)

More Fishies

When I logged into my email today I found a message from plentyoffish(PoF) informing me that I had a message in my PoF mailbox and it wasn't from wildernessnurse! This is even more exciting than being picked as a favorite. Someone had actually seen my profile and had taken the time to send me a note. Right on!

Imagine my disappointment when I realised said note was a misspelled run on sentence without punctuation and, in some bits, without spaces between words :-( Oh, grammar police where fore art thou? Before deleting the message from on and on and on, I decided to check out her profile. "Holy Hotness, Batman!" Wow, really cute pics of her with her clothing on and in a variety of locations. No sign of her profile attempting to lure me into a threesome. Low on "issue" red flags. A stated interest in reading ... was her poorly written note to me, and run on ridden profile, a nod to James Joyce? Convincing myself of the latter, I replied to her message.

Rachel (** and curious)

Minor success

On Sunday, I received a message via plentyoffish indicating that I had become some one's "favorite". As in, they had tagged my profile for easier checkups and, well, to let me know that I was one of their favorites. Always curious about who is into me, even if only vaguely so, I checked out wildernessnurse's profile. Curvy, little extra in the middle, a more then casually expressed level of sexual adventure... Looked good to me :)

I decided to test out my Internet pride and send her a message. Imagine my pleasant surprise to receive a reply from her inquiring after my Windows Live Id when I logged in tonight. I created one immediately and sent it to her. Guess I better install instant messenger everywhere!

Rachel ***

Trawling for women

Just another Wednesday night wondering why the heck I'm living in this frigid city covered in two meters of snow without someone to snuggle with. Well, New Year's Eve has come and gone and now I have my new resolutions here to haunt me e.g. "#1 Get out there and meet people."

To start this year off right, and to do so without having to physically trek east to Le Stud in minus eighteen degrees Celsius, I decide to check out plentyoffish on a friend's advice. After performing an initial search I begin to wonder how picky I can be in the "plentyoffish" space. The profiles my search pulls back are riddled with spelling errors, lack punctuation and, gasp, capitals as in "i'm". Spare me. Or is the whole idea to write one's profile like you just got home alone from the clubs and are too blasted to sleep? Who writes "bra" as "braw"? or "no lessbian dramma"? Isn't drama implied with the lesbian? No drama! Mon dieu what's next, no fun?

Another "to watch out for" while dating online are obvious issues. For example, statements like "I don't like head games" run the red flag right up the pole for me as I solidly go with the adage "who smelt it dealt it" in online profiles. If one states "no issues, please", I have to assume the author has some. Then again, as a lovely woman once informed me, "Everyone has f--king issues!" It really is how you communicate said issues that is important. Stating "I don't like head games" indicates to me a lack of responsibility on the author's part in expressing and dealing with her own issues. An absolutely and thoroughly unattractive inadvertant confession.

Therefore, post grammatical and "I don't have issues but everyone else does" weeding, I am left with ten profiles in my desired age range within a fifty mile radius of my postal code. Well, I suppose ten is better than zero. Will I have to include Ottawa when I trawl next? When do the sidewalks roll up there? 10 pm? Nightmare.

l8r g8rs,
Rachel **