Dead to me!

Hello there my dear friends,

For those of you who remembered that today is my birthday, a birthday that only comes round every four years, thank you for your well wishes and please navigate on to the next post...

For the forgetful rest of you, especially those who have had the pleasure of pleasuring me, this is just a quick note to let you know that you are dead to me. In this age of twitter, wall posts, text messages, emails, birthday alarm clock, telephones (remember them?) etc. etc. how could you forget? It only comes round once every FOUR years! Dead to me, sweetie, you are dead to me. Don't call. Nope. It's done.

Rachel :-P
PS I LOVE my birthday :)

"Pass the Pussy Please"

Hey You,
Guess what? I am now distilling my adventures into a regular bi monthly column entitled Pass the Pussy Please for blackheartmagazine.com. Begin the begin ...

Pass the Pussy, Please: Pussy Galore
By Rachel O. Esplanade
The only reason I am queer is because I love to eat pussy. It is absolutely my most favourite thing to do in the whole wide world. So simple, my desire to explore the ruby fruit jungle drives my queerness and all the other sexual pleasures are icing. Lovely very good, tasty yummy, icing but the cake ah the cake!

But where does that leave me in Montreal? Where can I find the local pussy I like to please? Also, as much as I like to eat pussy I'm really looking for one to enjoy on a regular basis. Ya know, in one of those long term monogamy type things that I've heard so much about. Based on that and my age, I have set my search criteria to be "a single queer woman between the ages of 25 and 45 in the city of Montreal proper." According to my calculations, there are approximately thirty four thousand women who meet my criteria. That's a lot of women! Fortunately, I am always up for a challenge but where to begin?

Since August, and with the tenacity of the wooden spoons guy outside of Ogilvy's, I have been making a concerted effort to meet all thirty four thousand: I juggle several online dating profiles, am a regular at Kitty Cat Klub and Chouettes Coquette events, volunteered at image + nation, have been to every meow mix, most Faggity Ass Fridays and, when nothing else is on, am in the Village. Short of crashing vegan pot lucks posted on facebook, if I hear of a queer woman event, I'll be there. As a result, I have been on a handful of dates, had two decent shags but, sadly, no pangs of "Big L Love". Mind you, I am having a brilliant time enjoying my freedom and all the winks and flirts that accompany it.

Recently, I met a very sexy woman at the "Self Love Meow Mix", which was packed to the rafters with hot women. This lovely had eyes the colour of the Mediterranean sea, light green speckled with gold. A cute tweedy cap perched atop her onyx locks which tumbled in loose curls to her shoulders. The dark colour of her hair lay in sweet contrast to the paleness of her complexion, accenting high cheekbones, the cutest little nose and her full red lips. Beautiful. What a shame that after some light conversation, I invited her to an event the following Thursday.

"I can't go out during the week"

"That's too bad. Do you have to get up early for work?"

"Well, it's more that I, like, work with retards."

Inwardly cringing but secretly hoping she was referring to some office mates I asked, "Oh, can they tell if you have had a late night at the water cooler?"

"No, silly, I really work with retards. Once when I was hung over I lost one of them."

Hmmm… sleeping with someone capable of losing one of her intellectually challenged charges? I wasn't going there. I guess that makes it thirty four thousand minus one.

Enjoy!
Rachel (***)

PS by bi monthly I mean every other month, not every bisexual month I experience ... though that would be an interesting column in itself.

You've got my number

Two nights ago I went to the Bring Your Own Lesbian party. This is the second year that the event has been held and I hope that they do it again next year because I was not actually there for a very long time. Mind you, the amount of time required for me to leave with what I wanted is perhaps more indicative of how fabulously I enjoyed myself there.

What was interesting was the variation on a game I used to play at the Fetish Cafe back when they hosted Polyvalente nights. Each guest was given a sticker with a number to be placed in a visible spot. If you spotted a "number" that you liked, a message could be sent to them by dropping a note off at a silver tray held by a classily dressed women. Upon receiving a note, a heart containing your number would pulsate on a large screen and you could pick it up from the post mistress.

Imagine my surprise to see my number flash on the screen before I'd had a chance to have a proper look around. I swung by the post office on my way to the bar. After ordering a g & t, I read the message.

"Remember me? <} #247"

Hmmm ... my coupled friends and I were intrigued. Could the author be a past fling, jilted lover or one of my buds playing a trick? Casually, I scanned the crowd for little miss everywhere but to no avail. Encouraged by my pals, I decided to take a wee tour in search of #247. It didn't take long. I turned from the bar and headed to the balcony stairs in hopes that the balcony would provide a better vantage point. On my way up, a hand touched my arm.

"Hi."

Hello! Amber eyes, thick black hair cropped short, copper skin, beautiful smile. I mustered some calm. "Hi there," I checked her chest, "number 247." An awkward pause followed.

She smiled mischievously. "You don't remember me, do you?"

I emphatically replied, "Please refresh my memory."

She informed me of her given name and reminded me of our time spent in the ladies washroom at Cabaret Mado. Wow! Beautiful remained as hot as ever but had certainly ratched up the dyke o meter since our first encounter. This new look suited her to a tee. Tight black jeans, black vest over black shirt exploding with curves, white tie with matching suspenders and a small diamond stud in her left ear. Was that male cologne? Hot!

The sequence of events are a bit blurry now but we left immediately and grabbed a cab to mine. What I do clearly remember is that her perfectly manicured hands were opening up her lips before her panties hit the floor.

Rachel *****

Criteria 3: $

Money it's a crime
Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie
Money so they say
Is the root of all evil today
-- Pink Floyd

Oh evil, evil legal tender. Something that may appear irrelevant at the beginning of a connection but has to be considered.

• 5 for Same: She pays for dinner one night and I respond in kind the following. Equal can be boring in some criteria but in $ it is ideal
• 4 for More: Finding a hot sugar mama who can afford to finance my naughty writing career is a f**king dream. As long as they are cool about it. Who has the most money should not render that person in control
• 3 for Less: Takes some care. I don't want to be paying their rent nor extending them beyond their means.
• (variations)
• And the zero goes to: Much, much more and flaunts: Perhaps I should add "Crass nouveau riches types need not apply" to my initial call ...

Self Love

Last night's "Self Love Meow Mix" hosted by Dukes of Drag was packed to the rafters with hot women and John Cussack (random, but seriously he was there). By all accounts Dukes of Drag, formerly known as King Size Montreal, performed their best show and the post show music spun by DJ Marie-H.B was awesome! People were dancing right up until the lights glared on at 3 am.

At a break from dancing like it was 1999, I spotted a very sexy woman at the bar. This lovely had eyes the colour of the Mediterranean Sea, light green speckled with gold. A cute tweedy cap perched atop her onyx locks, which tumbled in loose curls to her shoulders. The dark colour of her hair lay in sweet contrast to the paleness of her complexion, accenting high cheekbones, the cutest little nose and her full red lips. Beautiful. What a shame that after some light conversation, I invited her to an event the following Thursday.
"I can't go out during the week."
"That's too bad." Feigning nonchalance I inquired, "Do you have to get up early for work?"
"Well, it's more that I, like, work with retards."
Please not the "R" word! Inwardly cringing but secretly hoping she was referring to some office mates I asked, "Oh, can they tell if you have had a late night at the water cooler?"
"No, silly, I really work with retards. Once when I was hung-over I lost one of them!"
Hmmm… sleeping with someone capable of losing one of her intellectually-challenged charges? I wasn't going there. I guess that makes it 34,000 minus one. I suppose I should keep a running tab somewhere on this page.

Rachel (* - some things are best left unsaid :)

Criteria 2: Conversation

Walk this way
-- Aerosmith

More criteria for your reading pleasure ... and for my focus.

Remember: 5 is the best, 1 the worst and any 0 score in any criteria renders the auditionee off the call back list.

• In first place for five points: Back and Forth. A conversation! Questions asked, questions answered. Witty repartee? Even better.
• In second place with four points: Chatty great at a party but on a date? Enthusiastic monologues concerning their passions interspersed with questions towards the other datee (me). Egocentric or awkward? Hard to tell. Second date may be required.
  
• Three for three: Quiet.Will respond to direct questions in sentences. Skeletons to hide?
• One point: None. Really shy? Foreign language? Call back depends on non verbal queues.
• Zero (nil - off the list) Over chat. I'm pretty chatty. If someone can over chat me, nightmare. Suivante/ Next.

Criteria 1: Style

Okay, now that I have declared my intention to audition over thirty four thousand women, I feel maybe that I should inform you that I do have some criteria to wittle that number down with.

The first one, because I'm me, is Style.
Oh, wait, here is the deal - each criteria gets broken down into levels. A given woman's level is scored e.g. points are earned. The higher the score the better. If the woman in question, the auditionee, receives zero points in any given category regardless of what they earned in other categories, they are rendered off the list. Anything else ... well, perhaps it can be folded into an average or something.

So here we go: STYLE

• High - 5: Wow! Walks in a room and a dozen people ask "Where did you get that?" Cutting edge. Maybe designs and makes her own.
• Clear - 4: Clothes that fit and accentuate her body. Maybe labels but not necessarily.
• Semblance - 3: Something is happening here. I'm not sure what, and nor is she, but that T-shirt goes with those socks somehow.
• Lack - 2: Clean slate! Depending on my energy levels this could be fun :)
• Overtly Bad - 0 (off the list)

The Stats

Knowing is half the battle
-- G.I. Joe

As any decent project manager will inform you, it is important to define a project's scope and goals before breaking down project tasks into actions. The scope for Get Rachel Laid: 2008 is:

Scope: Meet and shag a single queer woman between the ages of 25 and 45 in the city of Montreal proper.

Just so you know, I won't be expanding my search to the Montreal Census Metropolitan Area (CMA). I am an urbanite who will not be moving from the downtown core therefore, sadly, I will be leaving the suburbanites to play amongst themselves. I almost used the term "Queer identified" in my scope but how a woman identifies her sexuality is irrelevant to me. I am honestly not concerned as to who a woman has been with past or future as long as they are exclusively with me in the present. And exclusivity only occurs after the "hey, we've been sleeping together for three months, want to be my main squeeze?" conversation.

So what does setting the above scope mean? What is the probability of my meeting a queer woman who meets the above criteria? Unfortunately, Census Canada did not have that demographic neatly calculated in a chart for me. However, using data from the 2006 Census, and my calculations as outlined below, I have determined that 68,797 potentially queer women exist on this island who fit my above criteria. From this group, I'd imagine that about half are in some form of long term or otherwise complicated relationship which effectively renders them "Unavailable" to me and reduces the above number to about 34 thousand. Still promising.

Now where the hell are they?

Yours and mine to discover :)

Rachel (** hopeful)

Calculations
Population of Women 25 to 44: 254, 805

Total Female population 15 years and older: 720,100
-> In a common-law relationship: 90,675 (13%)
-> Never married: 306,065 (43%)
-> Legally Separated: 20,855 (3%)
-> Divorced: 81,445(11%)
-> Widowed: 75,425 (10%)

For me single means not legally married and not in a common-law relationship so:
% Single Women =
Never Married (43%)
+ Legally Separated (3%)
+ Divorced (11%)
+ Widowed (10%)
- Common-law (13%)
= 54%

Now, and here is the big leap of faith, assuming that the percentage calculated above can be applied to the female population within the age ranges 25 and 44, the number of single women between 25 and 44 in Montreal is:
254, 805 * 54% = 137, 595 women

Wow! over a hundred thousand. Nice.

According to the Kinsey scale approximately half of those women would meet my needs, as in they are at least equally homosexual and heterosexual, which brings the above number down to:
137, 595 * 50% = 68,797 potentially queer single women living on the island of Montreal.

Taking the above number and dividing it by the "lesbian drama quotient" (50% chance) let's say: 34, 398 women fit my scope

Right on!