More whoop dee do

If you decided to stay in last night instead of attending DeAnne Smith's Stand up/ Strip Down at Theatre Ste. Catherine, you missed out on a fabulous queer night out. Smith hosted and headlined her own benefit show. Proceeds of which will pay for her trip to Australia where she will perform in the Adelaide and Sydney comedy festivals. The predominately queer crowd was treated to "ha ha's and ta ta's" including the tantalizing pelvic gyrations of Rod Screwheart and the messy near naked grape eating of Seska Lee.

Some women in the crowd were particularly hot. In fact, depending on your personal ideal of queer female hotness, there was enough eye candy there last night to fit most bills e.g. slender femmes, love handled tomboys, baby faced butches and slim tie wearing androgynous wonders. If your genderqueer attractions are not limited to those who identify as female, there was a fine selection of trannie bois to similarily titilate.

Tonight and every Friday!
Faggity Ass Fridays
Main Hall
5390 St-Laurent
11 pm
by donation (proceeds go to Head in Hands.)

What the frack?

I watched the new CBC drama "The Border" last night. Yes, thanks to the writers' strike, I am reduced to watching CBC shows where the "Latin American" female character has a French Canadian accent. I think she was reaching for a generalized South American one but over extended herself, hit both poles and ended up back in Canada. Also distracting was the complete extroversion of the "geek" guy on the show. Worse still this geek used, "fracking" in a sentence. What? That's a Battle Star Galactica fake f**k. Or perhaps that was actually clever... Regardless, a girl needs something to iron to and, I suppose, the show did suck me in as I did over starch a collar or two.

There are a number of Capricorns in my life so this past week was spent at mainly straight birthday parties. As a result, I'm a little stir crazy but I have to say, it's a good idea to have those steadfast climbing goats on one's side. One of them has even helped me set up a "Get Rachel Laid: 2008" project plan. We have set the scope and mapped out a few targets for the first quarter including "Improvement of the Bring on the Women Feng Shui" chez moi. Lucky for me, I was recently given a lovely print of two women going for it. It looks very well in my bedroom and who knows, maybe I'll meet a delightful someone at Stand Up/Strip Down to show it off to.

Rachel (nil - too busy feng shui-ing to head out in the cold)

Stand Up/Strip Down
Thursday, January 24, 2008

8:30pm - 10:30pm

Theatre St. Catherine
264 St. Catherine E
$10

The Return of the Tartan Traveler

YES! I am soooo stoked. My buddy tartan traveler is moving to Montreal in April! The tartan traveler is a charmingly cosmopolitan international lady lover who successfully uses her Glaswegian accent and sassy smile to attract hot queer women. I dream that she will start up a monthly Bent Lady's cocktail hour akin to the one she hosts on the West Coast. I am fully confident that the tartan traveler will be able to flush Montreal lady queers out of hiding and back onto the scene. Sweet. Bring on the haggis!

In other news, PoF (plentyoffish.com) has tossed up a couple more offerings for me. Even better, successful phone calls have confirmed to me that they are both women.

Rachel ***

Chat-a-thon

Avoid talking about personal things such as financial problems, health issues, or stories about your dysfunctional family. In most cases, these things are best left unsaid.
- Online Dating Tips Appropriate Communication

When I arrived home from work today, I was all excitement. I had received a message including phone number from on and on and on via PoF earlier this week. After a few more pings back and forth we agreed to have a phone date tonight. How exciting, a real phone number and, when I called, a real voice! Bravely I ventured, "Hi, it's me {PoF user name here} aka Rachel."
"Hello. finallywegettotalkimsogladijustgotinfrommyjobidontlikeitsomuch ..."

And she was off. I'm a fairly chatty person but, wow, her chatter level was well beyond anything I have encountered before. After a few attempts to interrupt her verbal stream, my excitement at being on the phone with a real live woman began to wane. There were no pauses, even for a breath. Did this woman have gills? How was she breathing? And, good lord, did I really need to know that she was late on her rent and had accidentally(!?) slept with her boss? Oh, evil, evil logorrhea! Finally, after half an hour or so and several attempts to join the "conversation", I feigned that the battery of my phone was dying and signed off.

Why did she have to be so cute in her photos? Would it be possible to sleep with her without listening? Not really a good plan. Not even a good evil plan. I've been with lawyers. It's hard to get them to shut up and sleep. Ah well, some things are best left unsaid, some people left unbed.

Rachel (* - at least I was able to hang up!)

No longer so sanguine

I was just thinking about yesterday, the preparations I took before heading out to Chez Jose, the time to travel etc. and it occurred to me that I went through a lot of plucking for not even a hint of f--king. I will definitely require a phone call before setting up a meeting with an online someone next time. What was I thinking? Silly me. I must be more careful both with my time and my safety.

Rachel (nil)

Naked Ladies

After being stood up yesterday afternoon, I felt the need to brave the again seasonal (read frigid!) weather and wander out amongst my people. What could fit the bill better than the The Coquettish Comedy Cabaret at La Sala Rossa as presented by V Day McGill?

Of course, being me, I was late and missed securing a decent seat before the curtains went up at 8:35. I decided to stand at the bar, sip a Jamie on the rocks, enjoy the show and scope out the crowd. Some of the acts were good, some were better and some excellent.

I was fully absorbed in the delightful Miss Sugarpuss', swoon, performance when a just audible voice inquired, "Rachel? Is that you?" It was certainly me but who would dare to disturb me during a Burlesque act? Could it have been anyone else other than the ever gorgeous?

"Hey, gorgeous? Nice to see you." Two cheek kiss. "What a pleasant surprise!" And it was. I hadn't seen gorgeous since, well, since she hadn't called me to thank me for taking her to the botanical gardens. F word, indeed.

"It has been awhile. I felt shy to call you after the last time we spoke." I quickly attempted to defuse what I sensed would be a litany of excuses. "No need to apologise. Really, I assumed you were busy," but she ignored my good will in order to launch into a complicated explanation regardless. As beautiful as gorgeous is, it was hard to prevent my eyes from straying back to the striptease during her sincere whispers until the following statement broke through to my consciousness, "... and that is how smooth-movin' and I got together." What?! So much for needing a break from romantic entanglements. Ah, the hypocrisy of deep like.

As if on queue, smooth-movin' appeared, with a hand quickly and possessively placed on gorgeous' waist, to wonder why gorgeous was taking so long with the drink orders. Minor bickering ensued following which I was asked to join them at their table near the front. Why not? Being more cautious of late, I did double check for wonderful's presence at said table before agreeing to lift my elbows from the bar.

Rachel **

P.S. Finally heard word of when and where the next meow mix will be happening:

Self Love (Meow Mix)

Saturday, February 9th
Sala Rossa
4848 St. Laurent
$10

All by myself ...

When you choose to meet off-line, always tell a friend where you are going and when you will return. Leave your date’s name and telephone number with your friend. Never arrange for your date to pick you up at home. Provide your own transportation, meet in a public place at a time with many people around (a familiar restaurant or coffee shop is often a good choice)

-Match.com Safety Tip #8 Meet in a Safe Place

Today, I called wildernessnurse's bluff and she was a no show. To be honest, even as I left downtown to head to the Plateau, I doubted she would appear. I mean, things were a little weird in that last chat. She flashed me. Was this a real woman who had been in a sexy photo shoot or a man with keen flat bed scanning capabilities? Or, was it one of my brothers teaching me a lesson about Internet dating? The last option being the scariest!

After half an hour of reading and earning a decent caffeine buzz, I realised that wildernessnurse had blown me off in the non enjoyable way. Well, nothing like being stood up to clearly indicate that someone is just not that into you! I did have a lovely time reading my novel, though. It has been a while since I was in Chez Jose. I had forgotten how lovely and relaxed it is there. In fact, I had forgotten how much I enjoy sipping cafe lattes on Duluth. Also, Chez Jose seems to attract the kind of sexy clientèle I appreciate. Women in scarves, heavy sweaters, short skirts, tights and heavy boots. Yummy.

Internet dating has still to win me over but rediscovering tasty, bent lady hot spots has to be worth a few stars.

Rachel ***

Upcoming Events: Jan 11 - Jan 18 2008

V-Day McGill Presents The Coquettish Comedy Cabaret: An Evening of Song, Dance and Humour
Sala Rossa - 4848 St. Laurent (Between Villeneuve and St. Joseph)
Sunday, January 13th
Doors at 8:00 PM, Show at 8:30 PM
$6 for Students/Seniors and $8 for Adults

Outspoken January Networking Meeting
Gotha Salon Bar
1641 rue Amherst
Tuesday, January 15
6:30 pm - 9:30 pm
Free :)

The Heavy Petting Zoo by Bad Taste Burlesque
Cabaret Cleopatre
1230 St Laurent
Friday, January 18
514 871-8065
Time?
Price?

Yowzers

These last couple of days have involved mildly distracting msn chats with the wildernessnurse. I am to meet her this Sunday afternoon at three but she wants to call me tomorrow afternoon at four. I gave her my cell number (it is unlisted and I can block her) and she msn flashed me with a photo of her kneeling on the bed naked. I just caught it! Mon dieu. French women are WOW! I no longer care if they write in all caps.

But ... I made sure to meet her in a very public cafe. I am too cautious to let certain comments from our little chats slide. First of all, if she is a nurse who lives an hour out of town, why did she list her location as Montreal? How come the photos she has shown me, agreeably in an increasing state of undress, all occur in the same clothes, same lighting, same bedroom? Could these be scanned in images from a porn mag? Could wildernessnurse be a man trying to lure me into sending him naked photos and engaging in hot lesbian online sex? Will a wildernessnurse appear on Sunday or will I have a lovely afternoon reading my book uninterrupted? I'll let you know.

Rachel ****(?)

More Fishies

When I logged into my email today I found a message from plentyoffish(PoF) informing me that I had a message in my PoF mailbox and it wasn't from wildernessnurse! This is even more exciting than being picked as a favorite. Someone had actually seen my profile and had taken the time to send me a note. Right on!

Imagine my disappointment when I realised said note was a misspelled run on sentence without punctuation and, in some bits, without spaces between words :-( Oh, grammar police where fore art thou? Before deleting the message from on and on and on, I decided to check out her profile. "Holy Hotness, Batman!" Wow, really cute pics of her with her clothing on and in a variety of locations. No sign of her profile attempting to lure me into a threesome. Low on "issue" red flags. A stated interest in reading ... was her poorly written note to me, and run on ridden profile, a nod to James Joyce? Convincing myself of the latter, I replied to her message.

Rachel (** and curious)

Minor success

On Sunday, I received a message via plentyoffish indicating that I had become some one's "favorite". As in, they had tagged my profile for easier checkups and, well, to let me know that I was one of their favorites. Always curious about who is into me, even if only vaguely so, I checked out wildernessnurse's profile. Curvy, little extra in the middle, a more then casually expressed level of sexual adventure... Looked good to me :)

I decided to test out my Internet pride and send her a message. Imagine my pleasant surprise to receive a reply from her inquiring after my Windows Live Id when I logged in tonight. I created one immediately and sent it to her. Guess I better install instant messenger everywhere!

Rachel ***

Trawling for women

Just another Wednesday night wondering why the heck I'm living in this frigid city covered in two meters of snow without someone to snuggle with. Well, New Year's Eve has come and gone and now I have my new resolutions here to haunt me e.g. "#1 Get out there and meet people."

To start this year off right, and to do so without having to physically trek east to Le Stud in minus eighteen degrees Celsius, I decide to check out plentyoffish on a friend's advice. After performing an initial search I begin to wonder how picky I can be in the "plentyoffish" space. The profiles my search pulls back are riddled with spelling errors, lack punctuation and, gasp, capitals as in "i'm". Spare me. Or is the whole idea to write one's profile like you just got home alone from the clubs and are too blasted to sleep? Who writes "bra" as "braw"? or "no lessbian dramma"? Isn't drama implied with the lesbian? No drama! Mon dieu what's next, no fun?

Another "to watch out for" while dating online are obvious issues. For example, statements like "I don't like head games" run the red flag right up the pole for me as I solidly go with the adage "who smelt it dealt it" in online profiles. If one states "no issues, please", I have to assume the author has some. Then again, as a lovely woman once informed me, "Everyone has f--king issues!" It really is how you communicate said issues that is important. Stating "I don't like head games" indicates to me a lack of responsibility on the author's part in expressing and dealing with her own issues. An absolutely and thoroughly unattractive inadvertant confession.

Therefore, post grammatical and "I don't have issues but everyone else does" weeding, I am left with ten profiles in my desired age range within a fifty mile radius of my postal code. Well, I suppose ten is better than zero. Will I have to include Ottawa when I trawl next? When do the sidewalks roll up there? 10 pm? Nightmare.

l8r g8rs,
Rachel **